Sun Oct 5, 08 09:49 PM
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It was always there. Not in it's current state, not quite, but it was there. See, when you're a kid you think you can do anything until grown ups tell you that you cant. More and more I catch myself wondering how different my life would be had I never learned (in one way or another) that when you're dead you're gone for good. Sometimes it's hard to remember things accurately and pinpoint the exact moment when something happened. As best as I can remember, my grandfather's death was the first death I had ever experienced. I remember they put his body on the couch and we all got to go pay our last respects and hug him and say goodbye and I was so confused why everyone was so sad. I thought he was just sleeping and that it was time for us to leave so we were hugging him to say goodbye. I dont remember anyone specifically telling me that he was gone for good, but it seems like someone did. But I don't know, maybe it was days, or weeks, or months afterwards that it just kind of came to me...and I knew that death was the end, and just like that, it was gone. The few things I saw when I was very young suddenly became mysteries to me and I just sort of discredited them. When I got a little bit older, I learned about ghosts. Soon after that, those discredited things from when I was very young suddenly had a meaning. But nothing ever came of my sudden belief. I never saw anything else, and I think it was like a switch being turned off. Once it was turned off, nothing would let it push back to the "on" position. Since I learned about them, it felt natural for me to believe in it, but, despite my fervent belief, I would never see anything. I've always felt that uneasyness that most people get, but it's always seemed like I should be seeing things to go with those feelings. I made my mind up long ago that when I die I will remain here, at least for a while anyways. Still, with no proof that I even have that option, and no proof that there is such an existence after death...it just continues to be an uphill battle for confirmation in my life. I hope that some day i see something again, and have the chance to talk with them. I know i'll feel surprised, moreso at the fact that it's finally happened, but I think it will put everything into balance in my life. Who know's. All I have is time to wait and hope.
Wed Oct 1, 08 04:00 PM
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Only school can make an accomplished man feel like a worthless moron.
There comes a point in every journey...a point where you're so close to completing that journey that you can already taste it's sweet rewards. Yet, whatever the reason may be, you've never felt further from attaining your goal than at that very moment.
It can be some great catastrophe, some grand failure; something that's on such a scale you cant deny how bad it is. Or, worse than that, it can be the most minute thing that sets it off. At that point, in those circumstances, the only thing you have left to do is question, wonder, ponder and beat yourself up over what has happened.
You cant change anything, you know that much, but you still wonder if maybe there was some minute errors that could tip things in your favour...possibly make that bad situation a little better. You question how you could have been so stupid...after all, you knew what you were doing. You sit and mull over the same results over and over and you weigh the consequences of those results until your brain hurts. When it's all said and done and you've simply accepted your fate, all that's left is to feel the pain of the inability to fix things.
Our entire civilization is built up around the fact that dreams DO come true and all you have to do is work hard enough and your dreams will become reality...but the sad truth is that it's all just statistics and sensationalized press. For every person who makes it big in their field, there are countless people, with just as much passion and determination, who fail horribly. But no one wants to hear about those sad bastards, we only want the sugar coated sweets that make us sigh and say aloud, in our perfect little worlds, that "aint life grand?".
So you roll with the punches and keep on going, but your view of things and yourself is forever changed. Forever you're looking back at that moment with self-sustaining disappointment and you're forever making decisions based on those disappointments. And in the end, you'll know it's all just part of becoming your own final product, but not every story has a happy ending, and so you continue with your disappointments and your decisions.
