Tue Jul 21, 09 10:51 AM
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Ever heard the joke about a man falling from a 50 story building? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good... until he hits the ground.
This is the story about a society that falls and which, throughout its fall repeats to itself in order to reassure itself: "So far so good. So far so good. So far so good."How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land!
m@rt1n
Wed Jun 17, 09 04:08 PM
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Wed Jun 17, 09 04:05 PM
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Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
Wed Jun 17, 09 01:15 PM
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Wed Jun 17, 09 01:10 PM
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Wed Jun 17, 09 01:07 PM
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Wed Jun 17, 09 01:04 PM
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1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
......
Wed Jun 17, 09 01:00 PM
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A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac.......
Wed Jun 17, 09 12:57 PM
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Wed Jun 17, 09 12:09 PM
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Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Wed Jun 17, 09 11:36 AM
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Wed Jun 17, 09 11:32 AM
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Wed Jun 17, 09 11:26 AM
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1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to......
Tue Jun 16, 09 11:51 AM
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"Golden,
Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
"Sure there have been injuries and
deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I think that the film Clueless was
very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I
think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress
"How to store your baby walker: First, remove
baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood.
I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the
sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
"Two grand slams in a week - man,
that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
- Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"Men, I want you just thinking of
one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the
net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I get to go to lots of overseas places,
like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer
"Most
cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
"The team has come along slow
but fast."
- Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager
"I
think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose
Game 5."
- Charles Barkley, NBA Basketball Player
"China is a big country, inhabited
by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President
"Football
players win football games."......
Tue Jun 16, 09 11:34 AM
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Man
who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok..
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Stand
on toilet, get high on pot.
Woman who dance while wearing jock
strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all
over town.
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture
some people have!
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all
gone.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Virginity
like bubble, one prick all gone.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic
transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same
pot very unsanitary.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best
thing.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has
right to feel low down.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who fishes in another man's well often
catches crab.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss
balloons.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall
surely rise.
Even
the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the
door..
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into
his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet
many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty
time.
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
War does not determine who is right, war determine
who is left.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man
who eat prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at
night.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes
in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A
bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You can lead a fool......
Tue Jun 16, 09 08:45 AM
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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.......
Tue Jun 16, 09 08:35 AM
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Open
Android was built from the ground-up to enable
developers to create compelling mobile applications that take full
advantage of all a handset has to offer. It was built to be truly open.
For example, an application can call upon any of the phone's core
functionality such as making calls, sending text messages, or using the
camera, allowing developers to create richer and more cohesive
experiences for users. Android is built on the open Linux Kernel.
Furthermore, it utilizes a custom virtual machine that was designed to
optimize memory and hardware resources in a mobile environment. Android
is open source; it can be liberally extended to incorporate new cutting
edge technologies as they emerge. The platform will continue to evolve
as the developer community works together to build innovative mobile
applications.
All applications are created equal
Android
does not differentiate between the phone's core applications and
third-party applications. They can all be built to have equal access to
a phone's capabilities providing users with a broad spectrum of
applications and services. With devices built on the Android Platform,
users are able to fully tailor the phone to their interests. They can
swap out the phone's homescreen, the style of the dialer, or any of the
applications. They can even instruct their phones to use their favorite
photo viewing application to handle the viewing of all photos.
Breaking down application boundaries
Android
breaks down the barriers to building new and innovative applications.
For example, a developer can combine information from the web with data
on an individual's mobile phone -- such as the user's contacts,
calendar, or geographic location -- to provide a more relevant user
experience. With Android, a developer can build an application that
enables users to view the location of their friends and be alerted when
they are in the vicinity giving them a chance to connect.
Fast & easy application development
Android
provides access......
Tue Jun 16, 09 08:10 AM
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Maybe the media only make it seem that there are more serial and
mass murders happening in our country today than in the past. But
whether the numbers are up or down, it still stuns us when people,
always men and boys, kill simply for the sake of killing, killing not
only strangers, fellow students, co-workers and their own families, but
often themselves as well. The reasons are always obscure, though
newspaper columnists and lots of other folks have their theories. I’ll
get to mine in a moment.
A recent New York Times Op-Ed
piece by Frank Rich looks at a number of recent murder sprees and
concludes that "Much of our speculation about… mass-killers is …simply
useless". The hatreds that motivate such killers cannot be eradicated
in a free country, nor "sadly, can that indefinable element [in people]
that, if only for lack of a more precise term, we call evil."
I
agree that there is no way to blame all these various events on one
simple factor like television violence, the availability of guns, or
the gap between the rich and the poor. Perhaps no matter what
enlightened social policies are followed, there will always be the
occasional emotional crash that can only be satisfied by going down in
flames while taking with you as many of those around you as you can.
But
there is a way of thinking about this problem that you don’t see in the
mass media: What about thealienation from ourselves and our community
that Marx claims is the result of organizing our lives together in the
way we know as Capitalism? Of course it is only a very vague cliché to
attribute social ills to alienation, so I’d like to try to make this
idea more vivid and therefore more useful.
But before
we talk about alienation, I want tosay something about these animals
that have evolved, culturally andhistorically, into capitalists and
workers and consumers and political leaders and activists. Many people......
Tue Jun 16, 09 08:01 AM
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The TV series The Sopranos suggests
sometimes that the only difference between big business and organized
crime is the mob's willingness to use murder to accomplish its ends
"Capitalism is organized crime." the thought keeps coming back to me.
Capitalism is a way of organizing crime in such a way that it can
masquerade as something altogether different.
But
at bottom, they are the same. To understand this is to see that
capitalism cannot be reformed; it has to be transformed into something
else.
If we are going to see the crime hiding in capitalism, we
have to have a clear idea of what crime is. What would a criminal moral
philosophy look like? Listen to Norman Bucklew, serving a life-sentence
for murder and armed robbery in Leavenworth:
I'm a
thief. I don't think robbing a bank is wrong. If I want to take the
money in a bank, then I'm going to take it, and if you catch me and put
me in prison, I'm not going to sniffle about being in the pen. But
don't try to tell me what I did was wrong?
I don't
respect the law because laws are for people who are weak and need them.
If someone comes into my house and takes something, I'm not going to
call a cop. I'm going to deal with it, and if I'm not man enough to get
it back, then that guy has a right to take whatever he wants because I
don't really deserve to own it. That's how society should be. If
justice needs to be applied, I will apply it, and the reason that I
have a right to apply it is because I have the power to do it. Having
the power gives me permission.? As a child I was taught not to be a
stool pigeon. Don't tattle on other kids. I was taught if someone hits
you, you hit them back, and if they even think about hitting you again,
you make them never want to see you again..? I might die in prison, but
I'm not going to become an upstanding member of your society, because
in order to that I would have to become a stool pigeon and always run
to the cops, a coward......
Tue Jun 16, 09 07:57 AM
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|
Posted by M@rt1n on June 16, 2009
| |
What reason can anyone give me to not to prefer the annihilation of all mankind to a scratch on my finger?
I
have been trying to make capitalism look bad as bad as it really is. I
have argued that capitalism is war, and that those of us who do not own
capital suffer from it just as do civilian populations caught between
opposing armies, or as foot soldiers conscripted into armies fighting
for interests that are not our own. I've tried to show that capitalism
is the violent negation of democracy, for it is the interests of those
who own capital that determine how we live: their jobs, products,
services, manufactured culture, and propaganda shape our lives and our
minds.
Today I'd like to point to the ways in
which capital undermines the foundation of moral life. Well, what is
the foundation of moral life? What makes it possible for human beings
to recognize that they have responsibilities to each other and to their
communities? For example: What could possibly make anyone willing to
pay living wages to workers in Indonesia or Haiti if you canget them to
work for less? The 18th Century philosopher David Hume asks, What
reason can anyone give me to notto prefer the annihilation of all
mankind to a scratch on my finger? Hume is one of many philosophers who
argue that no such reason can be given. This means that the foundation
of ethics lies not in reason, but rather in our passions or our hearts.
For Hume it is part of our nature that we feel sympathy for each other,
and thissympathy counters our narrow self-interest. Other
philosophers have taken similar positions.
Josiah
Royce an American philosopher ofthe last century argued that you do not
really understand another person if youdo not understand her
aspirations, fears, and needs. But to understand someone's feelings is,
in part, to sharethem. And you......
