Abhishek's BLOG

It went like this: She broke up with you. She said goodbye, sweetheart. This is it. Weeks later, you're a wreck, drowning in tear-diluted beer and delivery pizza. You're having second thoughts, or you're hoping like hell that she is. You miss her laugh, the back rubs, the sex. And that big-screen TV.

Almost everyone, at some point, has found himself suddenly, sadly solo. It's an awful state, a free fall into self-indulgence and melancholy. "The one who calls the relationship off tends to pack up and move on, the person left behind often winds up wanting to try again," says Mumbai-based relationship expert Rachna Kothari. Especially if she's moved in with that guy she claimed was just a 'close friend'. That's where you have to choose: Let her go or get her back.

If it's the former, then all you need is time. If you choose the latter, buckle up.

If you're willing, there are certain subtle strategies that just might work. Even if she's shown you the door, she may not have thrown the dead bolt. Play it right, and you could be able to wedge your loafer back in.

1. Ask yourself what you really want
Is it (a) her? Or (b) a return to regular sex? Or (c) not her at all, but also for her not to have another boyfriend? Your pining may be your manhood talking, or your rivalry. "Go running and pick a guy to beat around the track instead," says Judith Sills, PhD, author of Loving Men More, Needing Men Less. To win her back, only the purest of motives will do. Can you look yourself in the eye and say it's her laugh, her earlobes, and her cooking that you can't live without? All-right, then. Next step.

2. Assess the damage
Did you two simply fade, to gray? Or did you crash and burn? Oddly enough, the highdrama ending bodes better for a sequel. "If you broke up because interest just cooled off, your relationship will be tougher to rekindle," says Kothari. But if you left things hot, the spark may still be there. Another factor to consider is whether your split was brought on more by specific circumstances, such as a new job, or by, well, creative differences. ("You know, I've realised I just don't like you.") Mull over those last few weeks you spent together, then…

3. Forget her number
Don't call. And don't send endless text messages. It's like low-grade stalking and will only scare her. You'll only get a clear sense of what you want when you've both taken a breather. "After my fiancée Latika dumped me, I was single for long enough to realise what she meant to me," says Raj, 30, of his five months' exile. Even more important is to get her to feel your absence. Time and distance are needed to be sure that coming back is not a needy response to loneliness, but a conscious, grown-up choice.

4. Put away your credit card
When the time is right for action, don't make the grand take-me-back gesture. Buying her an extravagant gift just reeks of desperation. "My ex-boyfriend made this big ceremony about presenting me with lovely gifts, one at a time, thus underscoring the fact that nothing had changed," recalls Karuna, 27.

You can throw open the door with a big gesture if you want, but you'd better know what you're going to follow it up with. Otherwise you'll be left with a dozen wilted roses.

5. No snivelling
When women list the most romantic things men do, "abject pleading" never makes the top 100. "I tried everything to get her back," says Vishal, 35. "Screaming, bawling, tricking her into coming over." His postgrovel analysis: "I was pathetically attainable. Hence, she was uninterested." It also shows no proof or promise of commitment or understanding.

6. Don't be her buddy
Unless, of course, you want to start hearing about her sex life with the new boyfriend.

The best tactic for making an ex reconsider is the Date-or-Nothing Ultimatum. When his girlfriend deployed the f-word (you know, "friend"), Arvind, 29, counterattacked. "She went from being pursued to being the pursuer. I figured she'd want what she couldn't have." They were married within a year.

Even the worst-case scenario has its merits. It hurts like hell when 'all or nothing' becomes 'nothing', but ultimately it's less painful, and it gives your heart a better chance of healing.

"What was I thinking?" Even if you're desperate to win her back, don't look it

1. Don't call her an hour after the breakup to ask whether she's had enough 'space'. 2. Don't try to get her to sleep with you on your second 'first date'. 3. Don't 'accidentally' run into her at the unisex parlour... 4. ...every week. 5. Resist the urge to glower at her and her date when you see them. It'll make them both wonder just who made the mistake. 6. Don't quit dating altogether and spend your time sulking, drinking, and getting fat (unless you were doing all that already). 7. Don't start asking her friends out. 8. Don't show up at her office casually. And no, don't stop by her house, either. 9. Don't leave notes on her car. Even cute notes. You don't want to look like Shah Rukh Khan in Darr. 10. Don't try to go over her head by talking to her parents, sisters, or friends. Even if you knew them before, she'll sense that a gang-up is under way. 11. Don't send flowers to her office. 12. Don't dramatically alter your appearance (shave your head, pierce your nose). That's lamer than setting up a tent on her front lawn.