Gawd.. I really hate my ex but at the same time I really shouldn't >.> and it's annoying me.
Ayt let's see what I can remember from history. We got together when I was in Form 4 (so that would be Year 10 for ppl who don't know). Were together for less than a yr. Didn't talk much, didn't hang out much. Basically, it was like I'm just a girlfriend by status and nothing else. But that time he was in the school debating team so I was being neglected, according to him. Not having the attention I wanted, I went ahead with harmless flirting. FYI, we were in two different schools but just 5mins walk away. But he never knew that. I even had a 'love letter' from a schoolmate who was 3years my junior. So anyway, he called one day to break it off cos' he didn't see us going 'anywhere.
Then maybe 2 years later, I was studying in Australia at that time. We got in touch again. This time we decided to get back together and in a long distance relationship. Since we didn't communicate as much before, I wanted to tell him things that I never did before. Before, I tend to censor the things I talk to him about (back then my mind was not that clean - if you know what I mean). So under that first year we got together, I was just chatting to him on msn one day. Can vaguely remember but I think it had something to do with a sex story. Right after that, he started talking about us having sex. Keep in mind I was still a virgin then and had the mindset that everyone only do it AFTER they got married. But eventually, I found out no one does that no mo.
Ok back to the story, I kept telling him no, no, no and no. And right after that, our conversation would end up with me getting mad at him and not talking to him until I cooled down. Now, that time I had a close friend who I tell things to (his name is Kev). So he gets all these updates from me whenever things go bad. Ta-Dum~! Then there was the winter/summer (forgot) holiday. And I was back home. Happy to see him (the boyfriend then) I was. I eventually gave in with the sex situation bit after a while. No he doesn't know how to feel me up to make me feel good. He thinks like this (don't know bout now tho), 'i'm horny now. I will sex and enjoy it. the end.' Because of him, I've done it on my table, in his room, in public buildings (secluded areas where only ppl can see us if they came up the staircase). Really it's appalling now that I think about it. Because I never liked one bit of it.
I did complain to Kev, and all this while he's told me to break it off with him over and over again. But I didn't want to do that. Eventually as years go by I realised, I just didn't want to be single. Naive wasn't I? And you know what? By the end of my holiday when I had to go back Australia. I remember sitting in the plane and felt relieved that I was going to be away from him for a few months before I come back. He won't be able to pester me about sex. We had a few more arguments online concerning the same thing. He say things like he won't do it again (force sex) and promised to throw away the condoms (cos he won't do without it).
Then I had another holiday that came up. TA-Dum~! Same thing happened like the last one. But I only remember one 'event' which was a few days before I had to leave again. We were out dating walking around. He started "suggesting" and I didn't want to - as usual. But he got me up the stairs in a building. Only had 3 floors so we went to the top which was deserted (I hope) - unless ppl were watching through the peep hole. Trying to feel me up, he was. This time I resisted and kept saying no and tried to push him away but his grip got stronger. All this time he kept saying "you're leaving in a few days". I was so mad at him and was sad at the same time I broke down and cried. Mad because he kept forcing even when I didn't want to - numerous times. Sad because I was leaving soon and didn't get to see him anymore.
Seeing me cry, he stopped what he was doing and just consoled me til I stopped. Then he brought me to a restaurant to eat after >_> with my red eyes and people staring.
And again I was glad that I was away from him for a few more months. Kev continued with the "just break up with him already". Had the same argument online once again. OH! and this time something different happened.
One day, he told me that his old classmate is back for a holiday and will meet up with her once they got plans. Of course, I didn't mind since "i'm sure it was nothing harmful. The thing that bothered me was when he came back telling me things after he met up with her.
"she was hot"
"can I date her"
"can I go watch movies with her"
"can I ask her out"
Seriously. This didn't just go on for one WHOLE NIGHT of conversation. I took it as a joke for a while until it became unbearable days later. It was almost like as if he really meant it. Eventually, when I thought about him, his old classmate comes in the picture as well.
So that was the final blow. I called him up to break it off. 30 mins later I called him again cos' I was crying like a blubbering baby in the closet floor (I could hear his voice, he was too). I did want to get back with him again but he said it would be best that we didn't. I got mad. Merely entered his email account and deleted whatever emails I have ever sent him. Sent him a msg saying to change his password or I'd delete everything else. His password was our birthday number put together if I'm not mistake. He got mad at me and told me off and included that I was being childish. I silently cursed him to be single for the rest of his life until he realises what his mistakes were. And that was the end of it.
We did meet up a couple of times up to now. Acted civilised and talked like nothing happened. Only because we have the same group of friends. But each time I'm left alone with him I get really irritated and uncomfortable but I still try to talk to him - it gets harder to do. And I saw him last night, and I can't do it anymore. I pretended I didn't know he was there. Kev went up to him and chat for a bit before sitting at our (me and a few other guys + bf) table. He didn't even try tell me that my ex was around. I guess he knows I'm not in good terms with him anymore.
I really hate him for what he as done.
But I shouldn't cos' he's the one who told me we shouldn't get back together. And because of him, I never want to find anyone like him and got stronger. I even remember asking Kev, "is there any guy who is not that crazy about sex??". And he said, "nope".
Well too bad, I have a boyfriend now who has a lower sex drive than me =p So there! My happy ending. Also, I hope to never have to see him again. Oh and I heard a few ppl gave him shit about us breaking up - tho no one knows what was the reason. So far, he hasn't got a girlfriend since then. Even the girl who he was trying to go for (the girl who he 'joked' about) didn't like him. I have met her before (years later after this life episod) she's not a good person is all I can say.
This two separate relationship when we got together were under a year for each of them. Found out that the 'partial forced sex' is also a part of domestic violence. But I'm not sure if this counts since I give in and regret at the end.
My current boyfriend doesn't really know what happened but he gets the gist of it. I have told him before that it was really uncomfortable being alone with my ex. Good that he respects what I choose to tell him and what I didn't. I'm pouring all this out here because I'm sure he doesn't want to know the details.
My last rant
Useless egoistic slob of a human being.
