One night, a woman’s dishwasher breaks down, so she gets straight on the phone to a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and I’ll send you a cheque in the post. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog He won’t bother you. But whatever you do, do not, under and circumstances , talk to my parrot. I repeat , do not talk to my parrot.”

When the repairman arrives at the woman’s apartment the following day, he discovers the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he’s ever seen. But, just as the woman assured, the dog just lies there on the carpet watching the repair man go about his work. The parrot, however, is driving the man nuts the whole time with his incessant name-calling. Finally the repairman can contain himself no longer and yells, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!” The parrot replies, “Get him, Spike!”

A cucumber is better than a man because.......

·         The average cucumber is AT LEAST 6 inches long

·         It can stay hard all night

·         They don’t leave stubble burn

·         They don’t fall asleep on your chest and drool

·         They wont give you a shag bite

·         It will never leave you for another woman..or man....or cucumber

·         It wont tell you it liked you better with long hair

·         It wont compare you to a center fold

·         It will never call you saying “i’m gonna be late working tonight”. Then come home smelling of another woman

·         It wont tell you that size doesn’t matter

·         It wont get TOO excited

·         It’ll never suffer from performance......

A guitar is better than a woman because...........

·         You can finger it in public and get applause – NOT ARRESTED

·         You can rent one out without worrying who had it before

·         You can make it scream as loud as YOU want it to

·         You can finger it for hours without it complaining for more

·         You can have it professionally tuned you YOUR liking

·         You can use four fingers at a time on it

·         You can goto a guitar shop and play with all the guitars you want for free

·         You can take lessons on how to play it without feeling embarrassed

·         It has a volume knob

·         You can unplug it

·         Other people can play with it without it getting upset

·         You can make it......

A beautiful woman visits her doctor for a check-up.

The doctor takes one look at her and all his professional standards fly out of the window as he tells her to undress.

After she's taken her clothes off, he starts to stroke he thigh.

"Do you know what i'm doing?" he asks his patient.

          "Yes," she replies, "You're checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"Thats right," he says, before turning his attention to her breasts.

    "Do you know what i'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman says, "You're checking for lumps"

         "Correct." says the doctor, before mounting her and having sex.

"Do you know What  i'm doing now?"

           "Yes" she says "You're getting herpes, which is why i came here in the first place."......