Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm

still paying for it."

#CASE 6

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad : "That......

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some......

• Each of us has such a “bank”.  It’s name is TIME.
• Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
• Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.
• It carries over no balance.
• It allows no overdraft.
• Each day it opens a new account for you.
• Each night it burns the remains of the day.
• If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.

• There is no going back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow.”
• You must live in the present on today’s deposits.
• Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health,happiness, and success!
• The clock is running.
• Make the most of today

 

To......

A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law' s habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.

But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband! D great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.

She told him the situation and asked if......

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and......

Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,

Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,

Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed, " she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional

And detailed examination. .

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

"No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk."

I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came."

.¸¸.·´¨`» Care «-(¯`v´¯)-» Regards «´¨`·.¸¸.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

She got in and crossed her......

KARTHI(K): "Ramya, can you open my gmail and get a print out of the mail from that USconsultant I forgot to take it in my office"

(R): "Yes, I can, I need your password"
(K): "jeni22091980"
(R): "Ok fine"

She takes the print out and logs out. Some thought struck her mind now.
JENI happens to be his college mate. Hmmm...

She decides not to discuss this with Karthi. She simply opens her mail box and changes the password from "mohan143" to "karthiramya" and leaves for home!

MORAL OF THE STORY: Change your password! NOW!

Kuttappan on his face.


His dad told him "Mone (son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are you late?"


"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments" ,

Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.



"No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen."

Dad :"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from......

In case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON

You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ WORK

You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ PRISON

You get three meals a day, fully paid for

@ WORK

You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON

For good behavior, you get time off

@ WORK

For good behavior, you get more work

@ PRISON

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ WORK

You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

@ PRISON

You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON

You get your own toilet

@ WORK

You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON

They allow your......

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.

You will be really shocked by the last one

(at least, I was) !!!

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things into perspective.

Diet Snapple, 16 oz, $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon!

Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz, $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon!

Gatorade, 20 oz, $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon!

Ocean Spray, 16 oz, $1.25 .. $10.00 per gallon!

Brake Fluid, 12 oz, $3.15 .... $33.60 per gallon!

Vick's Nyquil, 6 oz, $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon!

Pepto Bismol,

4 oz, $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon!

Whiteout, 7 oz, $1.39 ......... $25.42 per gallon!

Scope, 1.5 oz, $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian......

There was a millionaire who was bothered by severe eye pain.

He consulted so many physicians and was getting his treatment done. He did not stop consulting galaxy of medical experts; he consumed heavy loads of drugs and underwent hundreds of injections.

But the ache persisted with great vigour than before. At last a monk who has supposed to be an expert in treating such patients was called for by the millionaire.

The monk understood his problem and said that for sometime he should concentrate only on green colors and not to fall his eyes on any other colors.

The millionaire got together a group of painters and purchased barrels of green color and directed that every object his eye was likely to fall to be painted in green color just as the monk had directed.

When the monk came to visit him after few days, the millionaire's servants ran with buckets of green paints and......

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else.......

Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline, where I work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million litres in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.

One day is diesel; the next day is jet fuel, and petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 litres.

ONLY BUY OR FILL UP YOUR CAR OR BIKKIE IN THE EARLY MORNING WHEN THE GROUND TEMPERATURE IS STILL COLD. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the denser the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your litre is not exactly a litre. 

In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel,......

Use your gears wisely.
Driving in the highest gear possible without labouring the engine is a
fuel-efficient way of driving. A vehicle travelling at 60kmph in third gear
uses 25 percent more fuel than at the same speed in fifth gear

Drive smoothly
Think ahead! By applying light throttle and avoiding heavy braking, you can
reduce both fuel consumption and wear and tear. Try to predict traffic at
junctions and when in queuing to avoid accelerating and then braking.
Research suggests driving techniques can influence car fuel efficiency by as
much as 30 percent.

Switch off your engine
There are two schools of thought on this one. Switching your engine off for
short periods of time can actually increase fuel consumption, as it requires
more fuel to get the engine started. Also your......

A little girl asked her mother,

'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered,

'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,

and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered,

'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!

Here's an example:-

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night.

So she tells her husband the very next morning,

that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and

none of them confirmed that she was with them.

Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night.

So he tells his wife the very next morning,

that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that

he stayed at their apartments that night and

another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the
bottle fascinated by its color and drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child
collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified how to face her husband. When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child, he looked at his wife and uttered just five words.
 
 
 

QUESTIONS :
1. What were the five words ?
2. What is the implication of this story?

ANSWER :
The......

met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st:

Forget mine.

Lets find yours!!

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********


What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever!!!"

**********

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic

is when both are pregnant.

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed......

1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he   could  see was sea, sea, sea.

5. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7. I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought   I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been  the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8. Once a fellow met a fellow......