When Michael Bay decided to represent the Allspark in Transformers as a hieroglyphic-engraved cube that turns all mechanical objects into living, robot-like creatures, it was fairly certain that we'd get to see some pretty damn cool things get transformed and inevitably blown up (it is Michael Bay, after all). Instead, the only things we saw get sparked were cars, boom boxes, and product placements.
It makes one wonder (by 'one,' I mean me) what endless potential Michael Bay left untapped. Whether it was due to copyright laws or just moral responsibility, Transformers hasn't even come close fully realizing the greatness of the Allspark. If only there were someone willing to explore that idea here on Cinema Blend. Oh wait…
WALL-E
Oh, I bet this boggles your mind. What, Tim? But Wall-E is already alive; how ever could he become MORE alive? Well, that's the best part! You see, the Allspark brings life to inanimate mechanical objects, but it's never discussed in the Transformers movies what would happen if the Allspark came in contact with an already living mechanical object. I imagine a Jekyll and Hyde sort of conversion that transforms Wall-E from a cute and cuddly love-bot into an immense and powerful Envirobot that crushes any and every thing in its sight, writing it all off as nothing but waste in his wake. Transformer Wall-E would not fall victim to the puny human distraction called “love.” Instead, he'd look to complete his directive of cleaning up Earth by crushing everything in his path. Al Gore's secret weapon.
Any Of Dr. Dre's "Low Lows"
We need to see more urban Transformers. Sure, Jazz was meant to be representative of a more young, hip-hop niche, but he was like the Wal-Mart version of thug. Imagine a transformer that wasn't just towering and scary but also packed heat and could spit smooth rhymes about bitches and hoes as well. Those who grew up in the 90s (and more specifically, on the west coast) know that the low-rider is the iconic westside gangster ride. Not only would a low-rider brought to life by the Allspark be devastating to the Decepticons (not by actually killing them but by dropping battle raps to shame the bots), but they'd do so while listening to 2Pac. It's hard to argue with that level cool.
Dr. Evil's Giant Frickin Laser
What would make Dr. Evil even happier than a Giant Frickin' Laser or Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams on Their Heads? A Robotic Giant Frickin' Laser. It just makes sense. A laser is immobile; it can only be shot in specific places after careful planning and calculation. Sharks can only be used in large bodies of water or indoor tanks, places that you have to lure your arch nemesis to. With an Allsparked laser in his control, Dr. Evil could defeat Austin Powers in far less than 90 minutes, making a new Austin Powers movie impossible, thus leaving millions of potential audience members free of joke retreads. Now what can we Allspark in The Love Guru?
Batman's Tumbler
To be honest, the Tumbler doesn't even need it; it's badass on its own, but just imagine how much more badass it could be if Allsparked. We already know it's fit for transforming. We saw so in The Dark Knight but turn the Tumbler into a living being and you've got the makings of not only the most authoritative Transformer but also the only one that comes with a trained crime fighter inside it. Yeah, Bumble Bee has Sam Witwicky, but he's more of a nuisance than a help. Tumbler brings along the Batman, a crimefighting ninja, a man fit both to outsmart and outfight at least the weaker Decepticons. Not that Tumbler would need help. He comes full to the brim with damage-inducing goods before a transformation, just imagine what he'll come with after.
Herbie The Love Bug
Michael Bay messed up by changing Bumble Bee into a sweet sports car. Not all of the Transformers have to be either scary robots bent on world domination or human-protecting, introspective car bots motivated by compassion and empathy. Not all robots have to be a means for feeding alpha male personalities. Why can't some just be cute? While Herbie would bring absolutely nothing to the war between the Decepticons and the Autobots, he would make for endlessly adorable entertainment. With his honks and hood pops, he'll distract us from all those silly explosions and deaths going on in the background. Oh my god! They just blew up Sunset Ave! But aw, look at Herbie, he winked by turning off one of his headlights! So cute!
The Amazon Kindle
Jeff Bezos is sitting in what I imagine is his 547 room mansion one night, reading the latest power business book on his Kindle. Out of nowhere, an electric zap shoots through his window, hitting his Kindle, transforming it into an enormous, bespectacled robot which speaks polysyllabically. Astonished by this miracle, Bezos runs out to tell everyone. He calls a press conference, excited that he may well be the first to tell the public of this amazing thing, a true-to-life robot! The press awaits Bezos' announcement with undying anticipation. Bezos calls out, “America, I give you the Kindle Robot!” Several people clap. A couple people stay for the meet and greet. Most say, “I'll wait for the second gen robot.”
The Starship Enterprise
Now here's what Transformers really needs: something from Star Trek. I haven't seen Revenge of the Fallen yet, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that it's not as good as Star Trek. Star Trek was the perfect summer movie, a sci-fi adventure with sexy actors, funny dialogue, action galore, and just enough depth to get even the snobbiest of moviegoers by. No one would blame Michael Bay for wanting to jack something from the series. The Enterprise is a great place to start. It already has human-like features. It has arms, kind of a head thngy, a body. The transformation would be so easy! After that, all Bay would have to do is insert Allsparked versions of Star Trek's script, its actors, its locations and characters, and everything should work out just fine.
My Honda Civic
Even Sam Witwicky's car in the beginning of Transformers wasn't all that bad. Sure, the movie tried to play it off as a beater that was just about ready to fall apart, but it was still a classic, a vintage car that looked cool. What Bay needs to experiment more with is economy cars. We're living in a recession right now! Those cars on that screen, I can't relate to them. I need a point a reference. I need to see robots that get good gas mileage, that emit fewer fumes into the o-zone layer. If I'm going to invest in an alien robot, I'm looking for something under $15,000 that comes with a decent warranty and is made of mostly recycled materials. We're living in the green era, a time where frugality is less an annoyance and more of an expectation. Michael Bay needs to stop living in the era of excess, the years of hummers and BMWs, and come live with the rest of us in Poor Land.
The Orgasmatron
Hey I'm not about to let you into my personal life, but let's just say that the weapon used in Orgazmo just wouldn't be enough for this guy I know who's been dealing with self-esteem issues his whole life. This guy I know would benefit from a robotic version of the Orgasmatron because, he says, it would likely have automatic firing capabilities and unlimited ammo. He told me that he hopes that the Orgasmatron Autobot would be pocket sized, so as to make being discreet easier. This guy, my friend, says he doesn't have problems pleasuring a woman, he swears, but help is always nice. Not me. My friend.
Ann Coulter
Who are we kidding? There's no way she's a human being, so I'm led to believe that she's some sort of lifeless mechanical thing. A Coulter on the side of the Decepticons would be a deathblow to the Autobots. Ironically enough, though, she'd also alienate her entire Decepticon team by using methods that even they think are “kind of uncool, dude.” So at the end of the day, she'll be all alone, left with a surplus of anti-Autobot books and a few hundred American flag pins.
