Aragorn will soon be fighting cannibals with a little help from Aeon Flux. Variety says Charlize Theron has joined the cast of The Road opposite Viggo Mortensen.
Based on a same named book, the movie stars Viggo as a man in a post-apocalyptic future caused by a nuclear explosion. Viggo’s character must embark on a road trip to get his son to safety while fighting off hungry cannibals. Charlize on the other hand, will play a dead woman. Or what sounds like a dead woman. She’s Viggo’s wife, but she’ll only be seen in flashbacks. Wait… so this probably means we’ll see her washing dishes or reading bedtime stories in soft, fuzzy lighting instead of killing cannibals. That’s usually the way dead wife flashbacks work isn’t it? Well dammit, this news story is kind of a boring bust then. Alright, it’s up to me to save it. Here goes.
I have a great joke about cannibals. Two explorers are captured by cannibals. The cannibals drag them into their camp, and tell each of the men that they will eat their innards and then use their skin to make canoes. Before they skin them though, the cannibals offer to allow each man one last request. The first man asks for a knife. The cannibals laugh, grip their spears, and give one to him. He grabs the knife and attacks the cannibal closest to him with a crazed, unstoppable fury. Surprised by the mad, viciousness attack, the cannibals fall back before him, and the man escapes into the jungle. Now it’s the second man’s turn. The cannibals tell him he may make one final request before they eat him. The second man stares back at them bravely, and asks for a fork. Perplexed, the cannibals give it to him. He takes it, and starts frantically jabbing himself with it screaming, “nobody’s gonna turn me into a boat!”
Ok, maybe that wasn’t funny. It’s much funnier when you tell it with a lot of gesturing and screaming. No really! Plus in Texas the guy with a fork is an Aggie, which instantly makes even the worst joke funny. So if you didn’t laugh, pretend you’re from Texas, go back, read it, and insert the word “Aggie” in all the right places. Or for you northerners, you might want to use Pollock. I wouldn’t because that’s wildly offensive and I love Polish sausage, but if you do it I promise not to tell anyone.
I can’t wait till we have a good pedophile news story to report. Boy have I got a joke for that one.
http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Charlize-Theron-Eaten-By-Cannibals-7475.html
