Memories

 

***** Part 1 *****

   The first time for a guy to approach woman during his life, be it a senseless dare or pure admiration, somehow or another, ounce of energy will gradually flow in you until it accumulates pass a climax, then a sudden urge of doing silly things to know her happens. Before you know it, everything happens in a flash, and when you think back, you wondered how on earth did you manage to do or say something as retard. I am in similar hypothetical situation. I observed her since two days and for some diabolical reasons, something stuck me, whispering to me in telepathy mode that I have to know her. Must be one of Cupid's bow shot went haywire and got into me - my eyes never left her. She is petite and small, with long flawless hair. Her features were well defined - especially her eyes that captured my soul in the first wink I caught from her. She is not those drop-dead gorgeous model's style, but when she smiles and her two dimples creases into her cheeks deeply, nothing on earth is sweeter than her. Her charisma and the air that saturates around her is angelic and when I am near her, to close for comfort (it's simply stressing), she smelled like a walking conditioner. I have to know her, if I want this piece of dream to turn into reality. If it were something of my forte, it would have been as simple as snapping my fingers, but I had never approach a girl before. What do you expect from someone who studied in an all guys school since Primary One and not even a single sister at home? Female of similar age don't exist in my environment since I graduated from kindergarten, which was like years ago? Today is the last day of school, which means starting from tomorrow, two months worth of vacation began. Then, my chances of seeing her will be zero because she doesn't even stay near me; she stayed near my good friend, Jerry, private estate. Fate has enabled us to meet because two days back, because I have been going to Jerry's house and I would only see her at the bus stop. So everything needs to be done today! She is sitting in front of me and my mind is virtually blank, thinking of a good way to start a decent conversation with her. Then, the bus appeared into sight and my set my pulse racing - I am losing my time resources! The bus slowed down to a gradually stop and we both board it. I chose a seat near the back and sat down, watching her walked passed me and sat behind. A wave of uneasiness washed over me as I could even sense her gaze on my back. There was an internal war waging inside me as I am fighting against trying to walk over to introduce myself and to remain rational. Finally our stop came and we got down. She walked at a quickened pace, reckoning that I am stalking her behind. Every seconds is slipping passed me and beads of sweats broke out at strategic part of my forehead. I can't let this final chance go by! She went through the gate of the estate by now and my mind is in state of desperation. Watching her gradually moving towards her block is unimaginable. Come on Cloud you could do it! OR you are gonna lose this chance forever!? A surge of false strength filled my veins as I ran towards her. When I came arm length distance from her, I delivered a light tap onto her shoulder. She turned around, as if expecting all that would happen and gave me a curious look. Hi, I was...was wondering if I...I...could get to know you and be your friend?? All the energy in me had expanded in this stuttering sentence I blurted. My face is beginning to blush red with shyness as I waited for any respond. She smiled faintly and gosh, that nearly sweep me off my feet. Five minutes went by and everything happened as smoothly as any successful mission. We exchanged numbers and I learned that she is not exactly local; she is a half Japanese who came to Singapore to study. Her name is Yukiko, which means snow in Japanese ?like her unblemished skin, fair and silky-like. Then she said she had to leave and with a dumb smile reciprocating her sweet ones, we parted. I looked back at her for one final time, before running and yelling at the top of my voice that I made it. Did I mention knocking onto the lamppost and actually apologized to it?

 

  ***** Part 2 *****

It was two months since I knew her and we have always talk online. Our relation arre like good friends now. Jerry told me to go after her, but my heart doesn't want to sacrifice this stable friendship for now. Maybe because I had never had a girlfriend before and always have this phobia of relationship not lasting behind my head. I came home quite late and logging onto IRC and yes! She is there. Before I could catch my breathe for walking back home from the bus stop, she sent me a message. 'Cloud, so late still never sleep ar?' I heard my mum's voice lurking in the background, commanding me to finish the leftover food in the kitchen. If my mum knew that I ate in school already, I guess she is gonna skin me alive. 'Just came back from school, you?' 'I waited for you to come online.' Waited for me? Sometimes girls can be such cute little thing. Words like these seemed like healing wards for the day fatigue. Jerry said that guys must be sweet talkers and romantic, well. I am none of the above. But when he stressed his point, I tried learning to be one. 'Why leh? Miss me ar? HAHAHAHA!' I know the laughter was just to cover my embarrassment, but hey, that's a good attempt. 'Cloud, I am moody today.' 'Really.? What happen?' 'My good friend just broke up with her boyfriend today.' Somehow girls are very affected over things happening to their friends in matters of love. Guys would normally tell them to move on with their life and stuff, whereas they would share their pain and sorrow or cry with them. Maybe that's why girls always tell one another about their personal problem? 'Well.it's getting common isn't it? Relationship are breaking up every now and then.' 'I seen them come together and they have been together for 3 months plus. so long.' Three months and you called that long? It's not even longer than a semester. Maybe people involved will find it longer than it seemed to be. I am a counsellor in school and people approach me for all kind of interpersonal relation problem. Maybe that's why I have another point of view? But when it comes to myself, I am such a dickhead. 'If they were meant to be together.well. they will be together right Sometimes not being together is a good thing.couples not suited for each other being force to be together is a painful thing.' '.' 'Fate.?' Fate to me is like a legend; everyone talks about it, rant about it, thank God about it, but when it comes to relation, I have never gotten myself a girlfriend, so I know nuts about it. 'Err. you could say that?' 'Then are we fated to know each other. Cloud.?' I always hated it whenever girls corner me with questions that neither YES nor NO is the right answer. Just when I am stuck with her questions, my mum with her pissed off face come knocking at my door, demanded that I finish the food left for me. 'Hey, I have go off for now to eat supper. answer you another time.' '.' 'Come on. gif me a smile ok? I treat you movie next time.' 'You say wan ar. . I see you tomorrow ok?' Well, it seemed that the treating trick always works. Hey. it means that I can make use of this excuse to catch a movie with her! I am such a fast learner. 'Ok! bye bye!' The next thing I see is the 'DISCONNECT' word on my computer. Grinning from ear to ear, I skip my way to the kitchen.

 

'Cloud! You are finally here!' I looked at the clock and it says 10 pm. No, I am nnot late, rather I am pretty early using IRC entering our usual chat room. 'Cloud, my good friend tried to patch back with her bf today. but he ignore her.' Well. guys of these days are not looking for serious relation. People have to get to know and go through more relation before they could realise that who is the right one for them what. 'She cried you know. so poor thing. then that guy said that he likes another girl.' A Chinese proverb came into my mind - Tian ya he chu wu fang cao. Why cry wasted tears over a relation that was never meant to be yours in the first place? Human, even though are emotional creatures, after a period of time, everything will just be a memory of what had taken place. Yah I told her to move on with her life, but she loved him so much and she couldn't believe that he like someone else. if I am her, I will also dunno what the do.' Don't know what to do? Make yourself happy instead of lingering in this sorrowful event? Sometimes I really wonder if woman are that dumb? Or is it love that is making woman a vulnerable creature? And what makes you think THAT it is love? Woman, in their first love, love their lovers, in others, they loved love. 'Really?.' All woman loves romance. It is like salt and sugar in cooking. Without it, whatever relation will be bland. 'What about you Cloud?' Me? How come the topic is about me now? I always avoid questions whenever it comes to me in revealing my inner self. It is like exposing yourself to danger through speaking. People, whom you least expected it, betray the trust you given to them and you will have to go through this series of utter disappointment and sadness. Ok I admit. I watch TOO much TV. 'Me? What about me?' 'What if something like that happens to you?' 'Er. it won't lar. I don't even have a gf.' 'Why? Go get one?' '.' 'y? something is wrong?' Ok baby, this would be the catalysis to explode my innermost views again. 'I don't want to get a gf for the SAKE of getting one. its meaningless don't you think? Relation nowadays are going nowhere because people just want to be in a relation. They are afraid to be alone - they WANT someone to walk by them. Be it emotionally, sexually or physically. I don't mind being alone - I like it! Until maybe when the special one comes along, I will try my best to be with her, doing stuff together and most importantly, grow together.' There was an unaccustomed silence after I type that paragraph. My fingers speed through the keyboard and finally stop at the last word. Oh @$$@! Have I just ruined my good impression? I discern its time to celebrate with Jerry about my first failure. 'You are right Cloud.' Hooray!! I could see my happiness on the computer screen, signalling to my victory of words. 'I want to stay single, until the special one comes along too. .' Oh wait, how could cute girls like her possibly stay single? Guys will try all sorts of ways to get her and she would finally succumb to one. She is too cute to stay single. '/me blushed. no I am not cute.' She is such a poor liar. When you praise a girl pretty, they would tell you they look ugly. When you say that they look like toilet, she retaliate and bites back, saying you look worst. such is mentality of a woman. 'I girl mah, that why will also be like that. =P' From a close defeated battle, I have eventually emerge the winner as I continue to chat with her for the next two hours. Somehow, during these periods of knowing her, I had never asked about the background of her family or sort, but we talk everything else. I loved to chat with her as she is way so different from all the other girls - she is VERY naïve and this creates an impulse for me to protect her, to guide her along. She showed me the real innocence of a young lady, untainted and pure. I love the way she is, naturally cute and THIS is the reasons that stop me from jioing her - I can't take advantage of her innocence right? 'Cloud. I have to go already. its getting late.' 'I have to leave too.Oh yeah. its almost 12 and my Cinderella has to leave. HAHAHAHA!' Why is it that I must laugh every time I attempt a MUSHY statement? A lousy cover for my embarrassment. '.' 'Cloud. you say the other time you wanna treat me movie right?' Ok, my hypnotic statement has hinted her! YEAH! 'Lets watch movie together tomorrow ok?' Er. ok!' My mind was cheering and screaming in rejoice. All hail cupid for the golden opportunity! 'Ok. Cloud you log off first, I don't want you to see me go.' 'Aww.ok I count to 3 and leave.' I can't believe I am doing this SILLY business. '3.2.1.gone!' I couldn't get to sleep on that day, totally excited about tomorrow's event. Going out with a girl? I had never been out with one before! Praying at my bedside sincerely that nothing will screwed up on that day.

 

It was 8.40 pm and I was at Starbucks (20 minutes before appointment point) - Plaza SSingapura, the location we suppose to meet. It is not polite to be late for a date for the first time anyway. Slipping my favourite ice blended ___mocha, I waited. I was daydreaming about today's soccer match I played and started pondering over life issues and soccer; Life is like soccer. you never know when you gonna get hit by the ball in your face. What load of crap! As I was trying to entertain myself to relieve some amount of tension in me, I sense her presence - the smell, I can never forget. I looked up and saw her smiling and making her way towards me. She is simply stunning and like a critical hit, I was stoned watching her coming. White spaghetti straps top with jean skirts. Woah, I simply love girls wearing skirts. It makes them looked. more.erm.more female. 'Sorry I am late.' 'Nah, its Ok. I am just early myself.' 'So what movie are we watching?.' >It's ok, we will check it out later, anyway what matter most is who I am watching with, not the show.' She blushed and I nearly died saying that sentence. Hey. I am pro huh? HAHAHA! Smiling at my flippant words, I commented on how gorgeous she looked today. I guess it was just something to start conversation, but hey. I really meant what I said. She looked really shy and reply with a soft thanks. I bought another ice-blended ___mocha for her as she said she wanted the same. We chatted for a while - Jerry told me to soften her up with the conversation as she will most likely be as tense as I am. Gradually, she gain comfort from my company and from chatting, it grew some laughter in it. Actually at times (lucky thing it wasn't frequent), I did not understand what she was saying. Her Japanese accent with little tint of singlish that comes along with it, was weird but comprehendible. Nevertheless, she looked so cute, especially when she smiled that I have this burning urge to pinch her cheek. After finishing our drinks, we made our way to the Cinema, after we decide and made purchase for Shallow Hal. It was comedy show and Jerry said that comedies is good way to remember a first date. At least she won't be crying while watching a sad movie and I had to cheer her up later, although horror show seemed like a whole lot better option to me. Hiak! The movie is talking about Hal Larsen, the ultimate shallow guy. He judged woman by appearance and in the end he got hypnotize by this guy who made him sees woman by their character instead of physical beauty. Rosemary, the lead actress came into the picture and he fell in love with her, without realizing that she is not what he thinks she looked like. The story is a mixture of hearts, laughs and emotions and at the end of the show, I could see watery tears rimming around Yukiko's eyes. What the hell? Well. at the very least she understand the story, which was my first fear. We walked out of the Cinema and out of Plaza Singapura, while I tried to reassure her that the world was still spinning and it was only a show. 'Cloud. do you think there are people like that?' 'Sure. of course. that is the real world.' 'Why must guys like pretty girls?' I was momentarily taken aback by a sudden question. I asked myself and the answer that came up doesn't seemed too good. 'Because human like to see pretty things? I mean you would like to see good looking guys too right?' 'But good-looking guys don't give me security. That's why I don't like good-looking guys.' My heart screamed another point of victory; I am not good looking - I am decent looking, the second closest to handsome. Even though she never really answered my question, but I love her reply. 'What about you Cloud? Do you like pretty girls too?' THIS KIND of question AGAIN? If I said yes, I will appear **** shallow. If I say no I am lying to myself. Gawd! I need the best of both world answer. 'Me?' I was trying to buy time as she nodded her head almost immediately. 'Well. I think I prefer. cute girls like. you!' My system was undergoing this contained stress and it is making me go nuts every time she throws questions like these to stumble me. She blushed and tapped my head lightly. Oh man, I think I am not gonna wash my hair today. 'Don't be silly.' I know that sentence was just to cover her embarrassment, just like me laughing whenever I made mushy remarks. I decided to sent her home by bus as I think this is the very least what a guy should do. We boarded the bus, the same bus 171 where we always take - We recognized the bus driver. 'Boy ar. not bad ar. get to know her liao.last time you both dunno each other wan right?' It was the bus driver and I nodded in faintly agreement with him and smiled my way through, while she giggled uncontrollably. We choose a seat at the far back and sat down. 'This driver is always very chatty, don't bother about him. I always seen him talking to other passengers.' She shaped a smile from her lips. Suddenly, she took the bus tickets I was holding. 'Look away first!' I did as I was told and after five minutes she hold my waist and put her fist onto my hands. Am I in heaven? 'I have nothing to give you, so I made this two heart myself. One for you, one for me.' I looked at her origami made from bus tickets and wondered whether should do something similar. I appreciate her effort though - I thanked her. Finally her stop arrived and she had to align. We got down and I insisted in sending her all the way till her block. 'It's ok. It's not good if I am being seen by my neighbours with a guy so late at night you know.' I nodded and finally relented. Well, every date has to part eventually right? I watched her fade into her estate and until I caught zero glimpse of her. I am in LOVE with TODAY.

 

For the next few months, we chatted everyday and each time I felt that I am slipping into this pit of angelic darkness called love. She told me she couldn't go out very often as her guardian is very strict - finally she is talking more about herself. Her parents are overseas working, leaving her all alone, which contribute reasons for her character. I know she longs for my company like I longs for hers. We are like one in-separate-able pair of best friend. Whatever problems she has, she consulted me and I will be there to give my expertise advice. Maybe this is what true love is, someone to be there regardless of whether you two are together - someone to guide, shield and depend. Jerry, the woman's men, said that I am wasting too much time on a single girl. I should have just pop the question and leave the thinking to her, after all life is too short to spend on one person. But the urge to reveal my feeling hasn't reached to such stage for desperation yet. Maybe next time I would, but when is the right time? 'Cloud. I have something to ask you.' Oh no, not again? 'What do you think of me?.' Oh ^!&#, peer evaluating time! Even though I speak easily to myself, when it comes to expressing to HER, I will score an F9 for it. 'Cute? And you are a very good friend of mine.' 'That all?.' What do you mean that's all? Oh dear, I have to say something that she wants to hear or forever I will be condemn in her eyes. Noooooooo... I decide to avoid the question using my avoidance tactics. 'There is a lot of things in my heart that I feel about you, but in this short span of time, I can't express it out. But regardless of what is it, I want to let you know that I treasure you a lot.' Phew, lucky thing I manage to come out with this marvellous sentence. It seemed that after the episode of knowing her, I am beginning to learn the trades of using words. '.' I didn't know how to reply her smile and decide to leave it until she reply me with something else. Five minutes went by and I am starting ponder whether I should reply anything. 'Cloud. can we meet for dinner tomorrow?' Another date! Yeah I screamed literally at my computer scream as she is able to go out once more, with me. 'Sure! What about your guardian? She allows you to go out?' 'Yes, she allow me to go out tomorrow.' 'Ok. we meet at Mac at Parklane ok?' '/me nodded her head.' 'Ok I have to go offline now. remember don't be so early ok?. I feel bad if you have to wait for me.' I smiled at her consideration for me. Before I could reply with anything, her nick has quit IRC. Guess that I have to wait for tomorrow to see her again.

 

I arrived early as usual, this time about 15 minutes earlier, waiting for her outside Macdonald patently. Reckoning about her sudden wanting to meet me suggested motives, that's what TV drama always show. Maybe she needed a large sum of money, borrow from me and then disappear into thin air. hiak. the effect of TOO much TV. again. As I was busy throwing impossible scenarios into the pictures to cease my tension, she stood in front of me. As I looked up, I noticed her face is getting fairer and whiter to the extend of being pale, but nevertheless her sparkling eyes never loses its glow. Must be the effect of those skin whitening Japanese beauty product. 'Waited long?' 'Only about 5 minutes.' My first lie I made to her. But it was for good cause. We went into Mac and sat near the window seats, where we could look out towards the roadside. 'What do you want, I buy for you.' 'You eat anything, I eat anything.' I went to buy for her and decide upon Mac Nuggets Meal as she is a small eater. Less than an instant, 2 packets of large fries, 2 large coke and two boxes of 6-pieces nugget was on the tray as I carried them. Somehow, I noticed that she was looking at me with such mesmerizing effect that I nearly unbalanced myself. 'Cloud. why are you so good to me?.' Good? What you mean good? You mean you want me to trick you to bed and after that meet about for sessions like this? Thinking back, only ******* guys would do that and being a good guy, I shall uphold my reputation. 'What you mean?' 'Before those day when you wanted to know me, I was actually getting a little irritated when you stalked me.' 'Oh really?. I must have seen like a pervert or something to you right?.' She giggled out of a sudden and I wondered what she meant. 'But then again. till now, I realize that you are different from other guys that wanted to know me.' What? There are other idiots doing the same thing too? Oh well, I am NOT surprised, considering her lovable nature and attractiveness. 'You are my best friend and I appreciated it. and it must be fated that we know each other right?' Fate again. Why must woman always bring up the topic of fate everytime when it comes to relation of any kind? I nodded my head a little. She seemed a little solemn today and I reckoned that if there is anything I could give in to her, I should give in. I tried to cheer her up a little as the topic she started were on the emotional side. I spoke some joke and she giggled a little as we continue to our meals. Sometimes I feel that she is the only person in the world that appreciate what I am doing - be it stupid, silly, cute, dumb or whatever $@%!. It is not much, but she always responded. We finished our meals and were playing with our straws like little kids. As we had our little 'fighting', I looked into her eyes and her eyes seemed to tell me that she may have gone through a lot of in during these period. I don't know what was the problem may be, but all my mind was telling me was to make her happy - simple andsincere. 'Can we go somewhere where I could see the sea?' We took a taxi down to Marina Bay. Reached in while moment, we got out and walked close to the shores where the waves roar in protest from the raging winds. The sky is densely clouded and the breezes is strong, but just nice enough for comfort. We sat down side by side and watched the waves continual sweeping up the shores. Suddenly she position and lean herself on my back with her head facing up, looking at the nightly sky. I told myself never would I forget such day. The first intimate bodily contact I had with a girl back to back, just like two hearts melted in one. We spoke nothing, just revelling in nature's enjoyment. 'The sky is beautiful right?.' I looked at the sky and to me, it appeared as if it's going to rain soon. Then she stopped leaning on me, and looked into me. As if a soldier going for war, my gaze never left hers - I have decide not to avoid it. We studied each other gaze for a moment and after what seemed like eternity, I could see a layer of wetness in her eyes. 'Cloud. would you remember me?.' Actually I was wondering why she sobbed, but it seemed that maybe she wants to bring out something to tell me and I suspect it is nothing good. I nodded my head to her question and her gaze move onto the rough sea. 'Why? I will never forget you. is there something wrong?' She kept quiet, rolling her vision between the sea and the sky before looking down... I have to go back Japan.'

 

'Boy ar. a letter for you.' Huh? A letter for me? I had never receive a letter addressed to me before. I examined the envelope and it wrote ' To Cloud' on the front. Curiously, I tear opened and a letter fell out. Dear Cloud, Before I began, I apologize for not telling you everything about myself. In this world, if there is one person I wouldn't want to see crying - it would have been you. I wrote this letter on the night when we parted and promise not to look back. Actually I broke the promise; I did looked back, because I feared that I may not have the chance to see you again this lifetime. I know you are putting on a brave front because as a woman I could cry and I know you would be there to console me, but someone has to be the stronger one to console and reassure right? The reasons why I have to go back to Japan is because I am suffering from a rare case of a blood cancer that may claim my life very soon if it is not treated. My parents wants me to go back to take a major operation there because if this operation were to fail, I would disappear from the surface of the world and they wants to be with me during this period, that's why I ask you if you would come to visit me if I ask you to. The success rate of this operation is only 30% and anything could happen. So I want to tell you that I appreciate your company, your advices, everything you did or said. I giggled to myself every night after we chatted online and I began to ask myself if I fell in love with you. I guess I did, although you never express yourself to me. Perhaps it is just one sided, but no wrong liking you what right? You told me you rather wait for the special one, and I told you I will also wait for mine. During the time when I was cuddling in you, I knew that you are the one. I hope that the cab could drive slower because I may not get the chance to cuddle in you again. You may find a girlfriend by then, or I am already in heaven watching over you. My operation begins on 24 May and I will call you maybe a week plus before to fulfill the promise you said you would come over and visit me in Japan. By then you would know the truth and I could see you for the last time, at least. But then again, if you receive this letter through mail send by my guardian, it means that I am already gone, leaving my physical body, leaving my suffering and of course, leaving this world. But do not despair, as I will always be around you, shielding you like what you did, in vain, to protect me from the rain today. You said you are not romantic at all, but to me, you are the best a guy could be. I am feeling a little tired writing this letter, but I am determine to finish what I had to say. If there is one thing final question I want you to ask me, it would be you asking me whether if I like good-looking guys. No, I don't like them because I like guys like YOU - unique and extraordinary, just like Rosemary in the movie we watched together. This distinct character could only be found in you and I want you to kept it that way for I like the way you are, not the way you looked. I love you, Cloud. very much. Yukiko Tears I have been fighting back, at this time broke from my resistance barrier and roll down my cheek as I saw the date today - 27 May. I was rooted to the ground, totally defeated, lying at the mercy of my ill-fated destiny. I clutched my head tightly as trains of disillusioned thoughts sinks into my mind. Why DIDN'T I LEFT Singapore to Japan? I should have hack care about my examination to be with her, her final days. I should not have delay the trip over. I should not. Decisions, most of the times, have cruel consequences regardless of which options I chose. I was at the verge of mental breakdown, totally confused and helpless, like a baby in crossfire, weeping silently to myself for the tears I owe her and for the lack of courage to express my feeling. She was waiting for me to pop the question! And I never did! I should have fuc-king listen to Jerry. At the very least, I could let her know HOW MUCH she meant to me and how much I loved her. I knew something is happening to me. I was crying.

As expected, my results were good. Since that day, I never spoke much because I was hurt, disappointed and regretted beyond words. I sat at the bus stop where I first saw her and every scene replay itself in my mind, like a drama. I recalled that she still owe me a movie treat - although this could never happen and thinking of it, made me sink deeper into this whirlpool of depression. Clutching tightly onto the heart origami that she made, I waited for the bus and soon, it arrived. I took it and realize that it was the same bus driver again. 'Eh boy ar. why your girlfriend not with you ar?.' I smiled at him and pointed to my heart. 'Nope! She is with me. all the time.'