Star Trek Lost Episode Transcript

 Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at  finding a weakness in the Borg?  And Mr. Data, have you been  able to access their command pathways?" Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching  through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing  technology." Geordi presses a  key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled:  "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?" Data turns to answer:  "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason  called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside  their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources  at an unstoppable rate." Picard:  "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their  processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new  version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources  increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be  able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing  ability will be taken over and none will be available for their  normal operational functions." Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable  geometric shape' idea." ... 15 Minutes Later ... Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the  command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all  resources.  We however have not received any confirmation of the  expected 'upgrade'." Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU  capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an  'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is  something we missed." Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.  Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not  sending in their registration cards. Riker: "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin emergency  escape sequence 3F ..." Geordi, excited:  "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly  dropped to 0%!" Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?" Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module  named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their  functionality." ... Two Hours Pass ... Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?" Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate  for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they  successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep  space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from  something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'. Picard: "How much time will that buy us?" Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest  time span of 6 more hours." Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." Picard: "Identify." Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!" Over the speakers:  "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS  SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE.  YOU  HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and  released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" Riker: "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward  the Borg ship with no life support suits!  How can they  survive deep space?!" Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look  closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something  recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather  briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!" Riker and Picard together horrified:  "Lawyers!!" Geordi: "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling  into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived." Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with  pieces of paper." Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --  it often proves fatal." Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" Picard: "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the  Borg deserve that."