This is my blog. I am going to use it faithfully, I hope, because sometimes I just can't write. Alot of you will find this blog bizarre, freakish, erratic, unstable and at times even volatile and unpredictable.
My family's real Christmas doesn't start until Dec 26, when my sister and her kids get here. The girls stay with Mom and the boys stay with me. This was one of my most joyous and religious Christmases I have ever had. Bear with me here. In November I finished up a series of ECT (ElectroShockTreatments), and I haven't felt that good since before I was a teenager, if even then. The doc had me scheduled for 12 treatments, half of which I did in the nut ward and half on an outpatient basis. The doc wanted me to continue with the treatments on first a weekly basis, and then a monthly basis. As much as they helped my depression and anxiety, the were absolute torture to me. They take you off all your meds before you start the treatment (I was on 7 psychotropic drugs). I could feel, I my feelings and emotions were not artificially controlled, and I felt great. But, I quit after my 11th treatment. Then I continued, of course, with outpatient psychiatric care. I am back up to 4 drugs. My mother hates me. She won't say that, she just says she doesn't like me on the drugs. What else am I to do, torture myself for the rest of my life? It may turn out that way, because I don't know what to do. My mom threw me out of the house tonite, with all my family there. She said she didn't like the way I acted, which wasn't as bad as she blew it up to be...trust me. In fact, my mother hasn't said a decent word to me since she opened the Christmas gift I gave her on Christmas Eve. I was something she really wanted, and it could only be found on EBay (she doesn't believe in all these new fangled gadgets.) So, it culminated in her telling me she didn't want to hear one word out of my mouth, so what was there to do but for me to leave, especially after she said for about the 5th time over the last couple of days that we were having such a "Merry Christmas" in the angriest, nastiess, sarcastic voice she could muster. I tried to speak back, but she stuck her fingers in her ears (maybe that's a hint that she is not all together sane either). So, I have been left out of the rest of the Christmas Celebration, which tomorrow will be the last day. She tried to give me my Christmas present before I left, and I said no, and continued to try to say something, but she stuck her fingers in her ears. All I wanted to say was that if she couldn't give me my gift in the loving, passionate, caring, joyous way of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, I didn't want it. But she didnt' want to hear that.
I am a reborn Christian, hungering for more knowledge. It can become very additive, especially if you can find an author you can relate to, like I do with Max Lucado. He is such a regular guy.
I am also an addict and alcoholic. I haven't done anything in 3 years. But tonite I am eating benzos at the rate of one an hour and chain smoking. You'd think that the powerful benzos I have taken would put me to sleep, but I can't even seem to want to put my pj's on.
I am hurt and depressed beyond belief. One of the worst I can ever remember. My mother threw me out of the Christmas Celebration. Guess I'll just stay loaded and sleep as much as possible, and if I can drag my sorry depressed ass out of bed tomorrow, I have plenty to do, like take down those damn Christmas decorations first..
If you believe, please pray from me. I can't stop crying. My family hates me. I have no one else, except my church family, and you just can't intrude on them all the time and piss and moan and take up their time. I have a hard time finding God at times like these, because it seems I pray and nothing gets better. I have no purpose in life. I don't know what I am supposed to do. Any suggestions, besides drinking and driugging? Thanks for reading, if anyone does.
2007-12-28
