Its been awhile since i wrote anything...i thought i had things under control with my medication running its course. But right now everything feels so grey..so empty... so cold and dark i just want to fade away somewhere by myself...i no longer care. Any time i allow myself to fall for someone or be enticed into something i get used and abused.... i thought.. scratch that i hoped that this time it wouldve been different, i thought i'd found someone that really understood me for me and didnt judge me on being this weird morbid character that i am.
But everything is too good to be true. I now feel very reluctant to let myself open up to anyone again. Maybe its time i just accept it completly, im not meant for happiness i have to realiese that happiness and joy only comes to those that deserve it ... then again even those that really
dont deserve it can seem to find it as well. When people see me do they think that im such an easy target? Perhaps its time i stay 100% on my guard from now on, theres just too many questions to contemplate in this situation at this time.
Ive been down maybe roads before that feel identical to what i feel now, and most times i recover and move forward. This time actually has awoken something in me i think. I know that no one could want to be with me and those that do seem to just fuck with my head being with me in pity, fuck
pity!
Nothing is guarenteed anymore, I want to wonder away from this failed life, i took a chance, it didnt work this time, maybe next life? i failed out of hindsight.. now im gonna just fade away like smeared ink in the rain.
Everything comes with a price,ive been paying my price for too long, i'd rather just be bankrupt, my emotions feel that way now, my heart feels like its been ripped from me quickly, then wrapped in barbwire and squeezed til the blood has pumped completly out, then wrapped again in lime and
buried back inside me... i could only wish.
I get tired of putting on a face for everyone all the time. People in general conversation would ask "how are you?" i give the same answer each time, but never really mean it... why should i mean anything anymore, its not like anyone really cares... some people can tell that somethings wrong but they dont want to do anything it - Aint life grand
My sisters 21st is in the next few days, she asked me if i wanted to bring a girlfriend or friends ...yay for me
Ive been fighting this for years now... i feel like i have a terminal illness or something, my bestfriends dad was diagnosed with cancer not long ago... and i was thinking.. how i envy him, my friends dad.. i'd welcome the knowledge of my inpending death, i wouldnt even fight it.
