Irish girl
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
Returning brother
'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'
'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'
'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.
The new mercedes
The Cassidy twins had bought a secondhand Mercedes car and were taking Joe O'Driscoll for a spin. As they sped down O'Connell Street, Joe said from the back seat:
'I say, boys, what's that thing sticking up on the bonnet of the car?'
Pat Cassidy, realising he meant the Mercedes logo, decided to have some sport.
'Oh that,' he said, 'that's a target isn't it, Finbar?' 'Oh yes,' said Finbar, 'and a great target it is too!' Target?' said O'Driscoll. Target for what?' 'Well,' replied Finbar. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!' 'Never!' spluttered O'Driscoll. True,' said Pat Cassidy. 'Just wait a tick and I'll show you.' Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Pat drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.
'See what I mean?' he grinned. 'Good, eh?' 'No good at all,' said O'Driscoll. 'Sure if I hadn't opened the back door we wouldn't have hit him at all!'
The cuckoo clock
Well, Murphy was staggering home trying to plan his entry, his excuse and his drunk condition.
Quietly, ever so gently, he eased open the front door and tiptoed into the hall. He was just in the process of removing his shoes when it happened. The cuckoo clock came to life and out popped the pesky creature cuckooing three times for three o'clock.
'What to do?' thought Murphy. Then all of a sudden - inspiration. 'I'll cuckoo another nine times and if she's awake she'll think it's only midnight!'
So that's what our hero did. It worked. No reaction from the missus. All was calm as he slipped quietly into bed.
But next morning brought a different picture. As Murphy's head thumped its way back into the world from the oblivion of the night, the bedroom door swung ominously open. There stood the good lady hands on hips - steely-eyed.
'And what time did you get in last night, dear?' she asked.
'Quite late, about midnight I think, love,' said Murphy.
'Well, when you get up I want you to have a look at that clock in the hall. Only last night, at midnight, the strangest thing happened. The clock cuckooed three times, then it coughed, belched, kicked the cat up the backside, and then cuckooed nine more times!'
