TorrentialD's Place

i was feeling particularly foul when i wrote this and by no means do i intend to make this deathly blog entry come to fruition. my cute, fuzzy kitty cat hayley depends very much on me, despite her usual pattern of cat-like independence as she has yet to master turning on a faucet, using a can opener or dialing out for pizza. it is regretful that people feel this way sometimes and not in the all-too-fake emo kind of way. i have customers who depend on me to manicure their yards and do all sorts and manner of odd jobs they otherwise could not handle conveniently or safely. i just hoipe one day to find my very own cat-like womanly friend to help make my life more rounded and complete. thanks again for your understanding.

perhaps it should be no surprise finding a troubled soul on bc's blogs. i know i'm not the only one who feels this way, but perhaps one of the very few who choose to air my feelings in such a public kind of way. i don't ask for sympathy or pity, just an understanding that one can only endure so much pain before it's time to make it end, whatever way i can. i've endured this pent-up sadness and battled with it way more than i care to recall. i feel like the only person on this planet who feels this shitty all the time. this isn't one of those situational feelings whose time will come to pass. this is darkness that lingers longer than it was ever welcome. my time has come and gone, but the loneliness and sadness refuse to go. i'll make sure hayley has a stable and safe arrangement before this ever so brief chapter in bc history comes to a close. if i cannot live for myself, then i refuse to live at all. go ahead and call me a selfish asshole: everyone is entitled to an opinion. my opinion is that life for me is no longer worth living and i sincerely doubt anyone will change my opinion. not that it can't be done, but it's not going to be because someone says to hang in there and that everything will be alright. i think i've done way more than hang in there and now this life smells of death. i can feel the reaper coming and i fear him not. my heart is not dead yet, but my soul has been in steady decline for a while. yes, i still think and feel, but i no longer have the desire to keep going, to keep enduring this loneliness and pain that refuse to go away. if one day i don't respond or write in bc blogs, just figure that i had a date with the reaper that was long past due.