perhaps it should be no surprise finding a troubled soul on bc's blogs.
i know i'm not the only one who feels this way, but perhaps one of the
very few who choose to air my feelings in such a public kind of way. i
don't ask for sympathy or pity, just an understanding that one can only
endure so much pain before it's time to make it end, whatever way i
can. i've endured this pent-up sadness and battled with it way more
than i care to recall. i feel like the only person on this planet who
feels this shitty all the time. this isn't one of those situational
feelings whose time will come to pass. this is darkness that lingers
longer than it was ever welcome. my time has come and gone, but the
loneliness and sadness refuse to go. i'll make sure hayley has a stable
and safe arrangement before this ever so brief chapter in bc history
comes to a close. if i cannot live for myself, then i refuse to live at
all. go ahead and call me a selfish asshole: everyone is entitled to an
opinion. my opinion is that life for me is no longer worth living and i
sincerely doubt anyone will change my opinion. not that it can't be
done, but it's not going to be because someone says to hang in there
and that everything will be alright. i think i've done way more than
hang in there and now this life smells of death. i can feel the reaper
coming and i fear him not. my heart is not dead yet, but my soul has
been in steady decline for a while. yes, i still think and feel, but i
no longer have the desire to keep going, to keep enduring this
loneliness and pain that refuse to go away. if one day i don't respond
or write in bc blogs, just figure that i had a date with the reaper
that was long past due.
