Just few Irish jokes... I hope this one post won't be sent for auditing (=Recycle Bin)....
1. AFTER A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look
at. The doctor looks her over and says,
"Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine
specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,
she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What
happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on."
2. I AM A MARRIED MAN
Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless.
He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"
He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs."
Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"
3. WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."
4. PULL IT ON THE ORGAN AND KEEP IT WET
Miss O'Leary, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The parish priest came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her little cottage. She invited him to have a seat while she made the tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, an item the men folk use to help prevent conception.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss O'Leary had lost her senses!
When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its unusual contents, but soon it got the better of him; he could resist no longer.
Miss O'Leary," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes, Father," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the village last October and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter.
Have a nice day!
