THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
During a Papal audience, a business
man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's
prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this
day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic
charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month
later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of
the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news
format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The
bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
Submitted by: Ron Milos on Thu Dec
14 10:46:54 PST 1995
THE SECOND BEST JOKE
Hello, and welcome to the
Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1
repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have
multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are
paranoid-delusional...
Submitted by: Dirk Haueter on Sun
Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995
THE THIRD BEST JOKE
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd
be called bagels!
Submitted by: Sue Ferguson on Fri Dec
15 16:49:56 PST 1995
THE FOURTH BEST JOKE
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one,
but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Submitted by: Josh Leonard on Thu
Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995
THE FIFTH BEST JOKE
There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his
mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked
him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the
second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's
girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. "Well" The friend said to the
first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and
says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the
worst one!"
Submitted by: Buddy on Mon Dec 4
16:03:30 PST 1995
THE SIXTH BEST JOKE
If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
Submitted by: David Charriere on Sun
Dec 3 16:28:53 PST 1995
(Is someone keeping an eye on this kid?)
THE SEVENTH BEST JOKE
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are
confronted by a policeman. "Hey, aren't you those three escaped
convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict
looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The
second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith".
The third said "My name is Ken.....TuckyFriedChicken"
Submitted by: Laurence Hook
THE EIGHTH BEST JOKE
What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one
with everything.
Submitted by: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov
28 21:54:52 PST 1995
THE NINTH BEST JOKE
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies.
Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds,
"They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so
great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for
herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the
man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks
puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat
puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today,
they have their eyes open!"
Submitted by: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov
22 01:46:25 PST 1995
THE TENTH BEST JOKE
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN
when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the
bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Submitted by: Amie Alter
Jokes,
Wit and Humor
THE BEST ANIMAL JOKE
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do
you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let
him in.
Submitted by: PJV on Wed Dec 27
19:12:53 PST 1995
THE OLDEST JOKE:
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9
Submitted by: Richard Friedman on Sat Dec 30 19:11:48 PST 1995
The following guy submitted his joke
11 times before he could get to the punch line...
THE HARDEST WORKING JOKE:
Okay, here goes... (Maybe we'll make it to the punch line this time!) One
night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three
daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother
Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And
what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her
eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud
but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters
squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's
wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying
a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared
in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I,
too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" encouraged
Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then
said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You,
too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good
news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "I'm
marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said
Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future,
when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um,
I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato
with great anticipation. "Well," began t he youngest Potato daughter
with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this
doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my
lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you
marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying Dan Rather!"
"DAN RATHER?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a
common tater!"
Submitted by: Mark Salenitne on Sat
Jan 13 12:59:07 PST 1996
(He was actually late getting it out for 1995 ... but we figured he was still
typing...)
THE GROSSEST JOKE: (That we found still respectable)
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?...
His ass!
Submitted by: Kelly Britt on Sat Dec 2 18:59:25 PST 1995
(Really Kelly thats not nice... poor bug!)
MOST TOPICAL JOKE
What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now? Submitted by: Keenan L. Gordon on Thu Nov 30 13:10:15 PST 1995
BEST KIDS JOKE
Q) Why were the little strawberries upset? A) Because their parents were in a
jam!
Submitted by: Scott Steeles on Wed
Dec 6 07:56:42 PST 1995
THE BEST CHRISTMAS JOKE
What's the name of the ninth reindeer? Olive as in "all of" the other
reindeer. Submitted by: Sheldon Wawrykow on
Wed Dec 27 09:12:17 PST 1995
BEST IDEA FOR A COOK BOOK
Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!
Submitted by: Adam Zeis on Wed Dec 6
16:33:44 PST 1995
THE DUMBEST JOKE
What did a 1 year old baby said when he received his first birthday present?
"Unco, Unco" (The sound that little baby make)
Submitted by: Quincy Ma
(Really Quinc does your baby make that sound? Maybe you should get that
checked...)
THE WORST JOKE
A boy went into a chip shop and asked for cod and chips the proprietor asked
the lad, "Do you want salt'n'vinegar on that?" to which the boy
replied "No thanks I've got me bike outside!"
Submitted by: NO NAME GIVEN (But we think they must be related to Quincy)
THE WORST AND DUMBEST JOKE
What's the difference between an orange? The horse because it doesn't have
handle bars!
Submitted by: David Matos on Tue Nov
28 21:44:39 PST 1995
(Well David there are places where you can get help... but first how many
fingers do I have?)
THE BEST ETHNIC JOKE
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees
a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the Chinese man
says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the
Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's
the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man
walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the
Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic,"
the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg,
Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Submitted by: Emily Elizabeth Jones
BEST "IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU" JOKE
A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter
"I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man
changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle,
make it pea"
Submitted by: Laura Napolil
THE BEST RIDDLE
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of
PROGRESS?
Submitted by: Mike Morris on Fri Nov
10 18:30:11 PST 1995
(I'm sure the president is close to getting this one figured out!)
THE BEST HEADLINE JOKE
Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? Yeah the headlines in the
newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".
Submitted by: WILLIAM BISHOP
THE SICKEST JOKE
THE TOP THREE MOST PSYCHO PICK-UP LIES: 3) WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF WOOD;
2) I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I HAVE NO NOSTRILS; 3) BABY, YOU STOLE MY
HEART....THAT'S OK, I HAVE TWO IN THE FRIDGE AT HOME
Submitted by: CHAZ LANDRY
(Chaz, I really hope you live far far away...)
THE BEST COMPUTER JOKE
How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we
have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your
CONFIG.SYS?
Submitted by: (BILL GATES? Just kidding...) NO NAME GIVEN on Mon Nov 27 10:26:43 PST 1995
THAT
ALL FOLKS!
