I kinda struggled with the title with this blog was gonna call it something else but i guess i dont care too much anyhow.
This is a whole new blog.. for once a positive blog!
Im proud to say that i have evolved i think. For months on end i have been struggling with my depression and beating myself up over anything and everything i can possibly blame myself for. Now 3 weeks have past and i havent had a single depression attack...for me thats incredible...i was getting them on a daily basis before since christmas and i was starting to wonder if my meds had really been doing their job...but not only have they been succeeding where i was struggling but they've compressed it significantly for me. I think the fact that at Christmas i was told that i would be moving jobs and still guarenteed a job but moving 40 mins away ...that sucked ass to me because i had to find a new means of travel and start all over again with guys higher up on the ladder then i would be when i had earned my way up to the very top. So that bothered me i was actually indescive on how long i'd actually stay at the new place.
Then 1 week til we all move i get told they're making us redundant...i was mad to say the least. I hunted around for jobs and was offered an opportunity working down in Ashburton which is ages away ...not even in Christchurch area...at first i was reluctant but i accepted it,i needed work and i was becoming increasingly depressed with all the shit happening in my life at that point, including very regular depression attacks that would last hours and have my friends and family concerned for my health.
I was straight away thrown in the deep end in the new job, which im used to and can handle most times. To my suprise i learnt i only have to work about half as fast as i did in Christchurch ...it feels really weird when you're set at a pace of hands on work and then get told to slow down because you're suddenly more then a day ahead of the others within a couple of hours. Im pretty happy in my new environment to be honest i have less responsiblities but getting paid the same supervisor rates as i did in Chch. The new working crew are pretty cool too i seem to have no problems with anyone as of yet, most of the guys are much older then i with one being younger...but looking a lot older then me and the oldest being 62! haha. In my 3 weeks there so far ive already seen a guy fall over and another shoot himself with a nail gun and ive dropped timber and had timber snap on my shoulder(which is in pain) and ive also had a chunk of timber catch a saw blade and ping back and explode in my face...which also really fucking hurt haha.
I came to a conclusion... I was getting regular attacks maybe because i wasnt sure of my working future since x-mas...but now i have a secure job and know that nothing major is due to happen in the foreseeable future it really changes things for me...i almost have all i need now, i have my work, my money and lifestyle...theres always that missing part though.
I'd love to be able to complte the package and say...yes im not single...but i cant yet...
Ever want to turn back the clock? If only i did this back then...If I only knew what I know now...sort of thing? Thats kinda how ive felt over the last few days. While past mistake can bite back and you can try to make good on them and try to put things right, something can never be revived...sometimes its not worth all the pain as well. Im glad ive worked on making things right though, while it probably didnt work, I can try, fail i might/have its all one can do. It wouldve haunted my thoughts until i did i really think, thats the type of person i am...
Its funny when you think of someone whom you dont get to see anymore and wonder if they ever think of you...theres one person who i really wish i could turn back time and do things a little differently again with...or even just to be able to spend time with them again would probably make me happy enough. In my job i get a lot of time to just go into cruise control and think what i wanna think since i know the job so well i can shut off from it all and think the stuff i want...and ive been thinking of someone a bit over the last 3 or 4 days wondering why didnt i say this...why didnt i do that...im so stupid...haha... the bad thing is the signs were all there for me to do something , but i shyed out as i do.
In other news ... i bought a new laptop recently had a nice lil spend after my first week at the new job to celebrate i guess :)
I could be going overseas next year..i agreed to but at this point im thinking things through...i want to but..ohh long story ive already typed a lot...
I bought Metal Gear Solid 4 and it was the best 24hours of gaming ive played in years!! it was sooo good i think i had a small orgasim haha and i dont care what people think about the game - It was a kick ass way to finish the series
Ive nearly read an entire book...which for me has been something i havent done since high school...which i was forced to read haha (yes they held a gun to my head) so thats like close to 10 years.
Speaking of years...less then a month til i gain another digit yayy for me haha dont we all love getting older.
I think each year you learn something importantly new ...in this past year ..or even this past month ive learnt a lot about myself which ive held inside but always had...i have evolved and im not gonna beat myself up over the same constant shit all the time i have in the past. Ive learnt that people can be so fucking shallow they might look at you like crap and treat you like crap but deep down they all know we're the same.
Im not much to look at but i have good features and if people dont want to be interested then thats their loss. Not everyone has me on their 'type' list which is cool cause i dont have everyone on my 'type' list either but im not a picky person im not gonna say...eww you're ugly...or you're chunky no thanks...or you're too skinny...etc etc everyone has a value even if they dont like to admit it.
Is this the same Tony? yeah it is.. i still get down on things that i shouldnt but i try harder now to just brush it aside...having someone to tell me its worth doing it or that i matter also really helps...hopefully one day i'll have that.
My new laptop also features a built in cam so i might record a video one day and then that way i wont have to type a billion words like i do on here then again i find typing helps me a bit too...and once again im rambling haha....i get like that when ive been in the car for 3 hours each day travelling at the early hours then during night hours *yawn* sleepy time will be good tonight - hope everyone has a good weekend
til next time - T
P.S -- To the Bitcomet blog readers, I apologise for this being hard to read..if someone can please recommend a new background or anything for me that'll make my page look better i'll be happy to accomodate
thanks for reading
