Parenting isn’t easy - sometimes
there is so much going on and so many things to do – waking up early in the
morning, laundry, tuitions, game or music practices, club activities, etc. What
I am going to share this time is not intended to teach parents or to help them
solve all of our parenting woes. But what I do hope to do is to ignite a spark
in all parents, especially fathers, with a hope that we pay better attention to
this often taken-for-granted responsibility.
I am a parent of two boys who are
now in their early twenties. Though is it not always easy – I can say that it
brings great joy seeing them growing up, and it is one of the most fulfilling
things I have ever done in life.
I choose to share my reflection with
parents, knowing how hard parenting can be and knowing that many need that
encouragement to become better parents. I am also sure that many young people
planning to get married do not quite know what they are in for. They think their love for one another will
help them through. I know it takes more
than that.
I know that there are many expert advices
on parenting: you can just go to any bookstore and get a copy of the many books
on parenting. So in this blog I am not
sharing with you any new wisdom, but rather an experience, as well insights that
I have gleaned from others. As a
Christian I also want to share the biblical objective of parenting.
The first question is: What is the
chief objective of parenting? If you are a Christian your objective as parent,
according to the Bible is: “so that our children will live lives worthy of
God.” When you bring your children to
baptism the introduction of the service reminds you that your children are
“gifts of God”. It means that our children belong to God, but however, God has
loaned them to us during their young age for us to look after them. And during
these years we have both the privilege and the responsibility of bringing them
up to become healthy, functioning adults who love and serve God.
I shall give you two quotations from
the Bible about our primary purpose in parenting: Deuteronomy 6: 4-6 says: “Hear,
O Israel:
The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I
give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk
about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie
down and when you get up...” Then in Ephesians 6: 4, Paul says: “Fathers,
do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord”
Our primary purpose in parenting has
to do with our children’s relationship with God. This is not just for the sake
of obeying the commandments: there are other good and practical reasons for
this. First, if we get our children right with God, then everything else will
fall into place: meaning that all of the other things they need in life will be
available for them. And when our children “live lives worthy of God” they get
to be partakers and sharers in God’s kingdom. They learn to become responsible
people in the community.
But there is another benefit to
living a life worthy of God. We believe that the only person who has lived a
life worthy of God is Jesus. Therefore when children live a life worthy of God,
they become like Jesus. Now, why is it important that our children should be
like Jesus? I shall give you a few references in the Bible. The Bible tells us
that Jesus was secure in His identity (Matthew 16:13-20); he knew he was loved
by His Father (Matthew 3:17). He has a positive sense of self, which allowed
Him to withstand criticism (Matthew 26:6-10); and relate to those less
fortunate, rather than building His image by relating only to the rich and
powerful (Mark 2:15-17). Jesus could love others because he was secure in the
love of His Father (John 15:9); and his relationship with His father gave Him
purpose in life (Luke 2:48-50). Jesus knew he belonged to the Father (John
10:30; 17:21).
When your children have some of these
they will do wonders for their self image. Of course, our children do not suddenly have
these characters. There is a process that we need to employ in order that our
objective is achieved. What are they?
First, we need to encourage our
children. Encouragement is a powerful tool, one that when used the right way
can make an incredible impact on the life of another person. To encourage means
“to stand beside, to exhort, to come to ones aid”. Fathers, let me ask the
question – Do you ever encourage your children? And how do you encourage them?
I believe our physical presence is
important. Just being with them is an encouragement to them because it shows
them that we care, and it tells them that they are important to us. We have no
idea what it does for a person, or what it means to our kids. When my two sons and their friends formed a
band several years back, and joined the “Battle
of the Bands” competition for the first time, I made it a point to be there to
support them. I was there for my sons. My friend and his family were there for
his son; while the two other band members somehow got support from their
sisters. I did it because I wanted my children to know that I was encouraging
them to pursue their dream. I am still doing that today. In a few weeks time I shall be accompanying
my younger son, who is the drummer of his band, to see the Commissioner of Oath
to get their first 6 songs copyrighted. They are hoping to release their first music
album by early next year. Do you make it a point to be present at your
children’s important activities?
Secondly, we encourage with our
touch. There is something very therapeutic about the human touch, and sometimes
a hand on a shoulder or a gentle hug can do more to encourage someone then we
can ever imagine. When my sons were small I used to pat them on the head, and I
even promised my younger son Gideon that if he grew taller than me, he could
pat my head in return. He has not done it yet despite the fact that he has
grown slightly taller.
Thirdly, we encourage them with
God’s Word. One of the first things I did when my two boys left home to study
in college was to give them a Bible each and to pray for them before they
depart from home. Remember our objective in parenting is that our children may
live lives worthy of God. Well, one of the ways we can make this happen is
through God’s word.
Fourthly, we encourage them with our
words. Now this can be done in many ways; we can talk to them in person, call
them up on the phone, or e-mail them if they are staying away from us. I talk
about soccer (usually English Premier League) with my children, and pit my
favorite team with their favorite teams.
We talk about music because we share interest in similar kind of music.
I learn to appreciate their music and I also shared with them good rock music
of the 70s.
There is one other thing that needs
to be mentioned: to give encouragement is not the same as giving praise. When
you encourage you accepts the child as he or she is. When you praise you have a
reason behind it: you praise a child for getting good grades in school. You may
praise a child for keeping his or her room tidy or passing an exam. But what if
the child does not get good grade or leaves his room messy?
I want you to realize that although
praise seems innocent enough and even beneficial, it can affect children’s self
image in a drastic way. Children can easily get the impression that their
personal worth depends on how they measure up to what their parents want. When
they receive praises, their personal worth goes up. But if they fail to impress
us we give them words that degrade their sense of personal worth. In the long
run, words of praise that we occasionally give can be damaging to our children
especially if they are connected with their performance or achievements because
children will interpret it as “we love them because of what they can do and not
because of who they are”. On the other hand, encouragement causes children to
think: “I can do it....I am capable...my parents trust me”. Encouragement helps
children know they are good enough as they are.
Secondly, we need to comfort our
children. Our God is an awesome comforter. I am sure that many times you have
found great comfort from Him. But sometimes, we need something else in addition
to God’s comfort: the comfort of the human person. There will be times when
your children will need your comfort; times when they fall, fail or get hurt -
and your comfort at those times shows them that you care and that you love
them.
Remember when we were small – when we
fell down and bruised our knees or elbows: we would come running home, crying,
and our mums would put band-aid on the wounds, and give us words of comfort. Why did we come running home, when we are
hurt? It was because we knew home was a place of comfort. Now for those of us who have grown-up children
– when they get hurt, will they come running home? If they do, will they receive words of
comfort from us? Or do we tell them off?
Parents, remember the two essential
ingredients in the process for helping our children to grow and mature: they
are encouragement and comfort.
Finally, we need to urge and
motivate our children to live a life worthy of God. But how do we do that? The
only way is by being an example. If we want our children to be godly we must
give them a close and personal example of what it means to live a life that is
worthy of God. It is unreasonable as parents to expect our children to be God-fearers
if we are not living it. So what kind of example are we of living? Do we curse
and yell at one another at home? So if we are not giving them the good example,
it is time for us to get serious and stop playing and fooling around, if we
want our children to grow and become persons worthy of God. We need to start
living that kind of life ourselves.
There is one more part of urging
that we need to incorporate in our relationship with our children – i.e.
discipline. Proverbs 13: 24 says: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but
he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” When we exercise discipline
it is to establish boundaries for a child and allows the child to make
decisions within those boundaries. The child needs to be taught to accept the
responsibility, consequences and rewards for his behavior. Now with so many
cases of teachers being sued by parents for trying to discipline their children,
I don’t know if parents really believe in discipline. And for those of you who
believe in it, you need to remember that it only works if you are setting the
proper example: otherwise your discipline leads only to resentment. You cannot
tell your children, “Don’t do what I do: do what I say.”
Having said all these, it must be
recognized also that none of us are perfect parents, because we have been
brought up by imperfect parents. The important thing is to love your children
not because they are clever, talented, or good looking. You love them because
of who they are and because they are your children. There is no security which
can compare with that, and no money can replace that in the whole world. If we
love our children like that, we create in them a sense of belonging, a sense of
being needed and a sense of being sufficient. That is how they grow up to be
sound and mature persons.
