Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's
also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for
it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
