Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you
sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
He who laughs last didn't get it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The road to success is always under construction.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them
along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass.
The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
