Tony's BLOG

I kinda struggled with the title with this blog was gonna call it something else but i guess i dont care too much anyhow.
This is a whole new blog.. for once a positive blog!
Im proud to say that i have evolved i think. For months on end i have been struggling with my depression and beating myself up over anything and everything i can possibly blame myself for. Now 3 weeks have past and i havent had a single depression attack...for me thats incredible...i was getting them on a daily basis before since christmas and i was starting to wonder if my meds had really been doing their job...but not only have they been succeeding where i was struggling but they've compressed it significantly for me. I think the fact that at Christmas i was told that i would be moving jobs and still guarenteed a job but moving 40 mins away ...that sucked ass to me because i had to find a new means of travel and start all over again with guys higher up on the ladder then i would be when i had earned my way up......

Dreams who can explain them, deffernitly not me, mine have been getting weirder and weirder of recent and its something that seems to be concerning me i guess.
Some say dreams are things that you want that havent happened yet..well interesting theory...some even say its stuff that is to only happen later in life... i some instances i'd lean on believing that but my dreams are too fucked up to justify that as well. Maybe dreams are just something to screw with your mind. No one can really explain why we dream and for what purpose.
The other night i had a dream that feels like it came straight out of a movie or something it was very bizarre that once i woke i wasnt sure if i had taken something to make me just think or hullucenate the whole thing while awake?
An open mind is required to read this.

In this dream i was walking to work early morning and the moment i left the flat and looked at the grass outside i felt weird. The grass was a bright green almost neon colour that made me......

Its been awhile since i wrote anything...i thought i had things under control with my medication running its course. But right now everything feels so grey..so empty... so cold and dark i just want to fade away somewhere by myself...i no longer care. Any time i allow myself to fall for someone or be enticed into something i get used and abused.... i thought.. scratch that i hoped that this time it wouldve been different, i thought i'd found someone that really understood me for me and didnt judge me on being this weird morbid character that i am.
But everything is too good to be true. I now feel very reluctant to let myself open up to anyone again. Maybe its time i just accept it completly, im not meant for happiness i have to realiese that happiness and joy only comes to those that deserve it ... then again even those that really

dont deserve it can seem to find it as well. When people see me do they think that im such an easy target? Perhaps its time i stay 100% on my guard from......

Hey everyone,

hows things with you lot ?

Ive had an interesting couple of weeks here i learnt that Chrischurch(where i live) is having The Smashing Pumpkins and Queens of The Stone Age to come tour so i was completly excited..i mean how couldnt you be?

We dont often get a lot of big name bands that i like come here even though its a fairly major city in New Zealand.

Last year we got Muse which was incredible i had so much fun and i completly lost my voice for 3 days!

Well about 2 days after they announced the day for ticket sales here i went out for a run and about 9kms into my 10km run i felt a sudden jolt in my knee ( the kind you'd feel when you press hard on a bump or a bruise) i figured it was just the muscle stretching..For the rest of the night after i got back to my flat i was in major pain i could barely walk and bending my knee was really hurting. I decided to see a physiotherapist about it and she came to the conclusion that i'd damaged the ITB in my knee.......