abraxas248

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she......

A college boy was delivering pizza to a regular customer's house in New York.

The guy who answered the door asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth,"this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted the man. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks!" replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked the man.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

13. Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.

12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.

11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.

09. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

08. Boring lecture? Start a wave!

07. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.

06. "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

05. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

04. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.

03. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

02. Don't think of it......

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says,

"Mary, I have 3 things......

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the......

 * Department of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

* Department of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor open the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mid.

* Department of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

* Department of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

* Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

* Department of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

* Department of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

* Department of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

* Music Department:
Each student must figure out his......

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to party with some friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were......

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to......