Rantings of the Human Mind

We are more than modern day villains. We feed off of nightmares and bloody razors. We replace energy with pain, using depression as stimulants. Our bible involves videos and pictures of Heath Ledger as the Joker with a pencil in his hand. Suicide is nothing more then out version of retirement, and through that or any type of death our spirits spread their hate amongst us making us stronger. When we are called wasted potential we know our true potential lies in fighting and destruction. As we fight we aim for injuries and if the case is serious enough, which likely it will be, death. You will find us amongst the despicable, disturbed, diabolical, demented, and disgusting. Our families derive from people with the same twisted mental as us, in a sense, making most of our friends immediately family. We are not fallen, we are not forgotten, and we are not damned. The only thing about us that has fallen is our hope for a "better" future. The only thing forgotten about us is when we were once "decent" human beings. The only thing damned about us is our "souls". We fight for our revolution, while giving shelter to those that may have kind hearts but see through our view. We have become victims and criminals. We accept that we don't belong. We are comfortable with the fact that we are mentally abnormal and use it as an advantage in guerrilla warfare, using our weaknesses as strengths. We are patient for our end, hell we could care less. We don't belong but we stay here for the people that need us the most. We are not heroes, nor villains. We are not human, nor monsters. We are... the destroyers and saviors of the modern world...

 

And I, Trevor Maurice Spiers, pledge to Death almighty that I shall never take back my words of damnation, ridicule, or humiliation. I shall continue to be a sexual deviant/psychotic/schizophrenic/paranoid/bipolar/misunderstood/unstable/son of a bitch/bastard until the day my casket closes and I'm buried with the maggots, fuck the world.

Alright so right now I'm really pissed and unfortunately can't do anything about it but of course there's a reason behind it. So today I talked to my ex that I actually chased for 8 months that switched states to Lacey, Washington. Now everything is going alright until she asks me did she tell me about her guy problem at her school. I told her no and she told me that guys keep trying to date her, now that's not the part that got me pissed, what got me pissed is when she told me that one of them keeps pressuring her to have sex with him. Now at first this just gets me a little mad but the thing is she doesn't even like him and she told me he kissed her today. Now I'm a little more steamed, but the main part that made me want to get the fastest plane tickets was when I asked her did he touch her anywhere personal and she said yes. Now I don't know how desperate a man has to be to touch a woman in their personal spots but to even think about that means you have some serious problems. And if I was near my ex the first thing I'd say to the dude would be, "Okay, we have a serious fucking problem here. For some reason I'm hearing your basically harassing my ex and trying to get her to have sex with you. So I'm guessing that somewhere in your dysfunctional mind you probably even thought of the word 'rape' once or twice. Now if it ever gets to that point you better be ready to deal with me, a hospital bill, or a coffin. I personally don't really give a fuck if I'm sent to jail for sending another asshole like you to the afterlife as long as I'm protecting the people that I love. Now I'm just saying this as a warning and hopefully it gets through that thick ass hollow skull of yours. But get this straight, if you ever lay a fucking finger on my ex inappropriately again, you can pretty much get ready to say goodbye to your hands and at that probably your dick." Now I'm praying right now that someone in Lacey, Washington is reading this and if they are message me because I need your help. I'm not trying to have my ex go through what I've gone through as a child. No one should ever get that desperate but of course there are those that just don't know how to back off and get professional help. If your someone that is in this situation or know someone that is in this type of situation, in my view, you have every right to beat the harasser's ass. But whatever you do, DO NOT sit there and take that before it gets out of hand. And if you EVER say you can't get help you are in denial, there is ALWAYS help, whether its your friends and family to law enforcement. And if your the person that knows someone in this situation and you are fortunate to live near them, you need to get off your ass and do something.

So many years being a loner, but even more years spent getting lonlier, I made you my potential wife, who knew it could all end in 1 last fight? You know I've spent wasteless month trying to make things right, but now you just want me out of your sight, but have you felt my exact same pain? Have you felt the exact same shame? You were my goddess, I was your god, or so I thought, I carried your world on my back even when it was starting to fall apart, leave me unforgiven, but never leave me forgotten, though the thought of me might make you cringe, remember how many times I helped you when you thought your world was going to end, so once more I chase you atoning for proving my point in the most ruthless of ways, so once more I chase you wasting my precious days

The damned, the cursed, and the rotting hearse, too much done how can I not hurt? Blurting words that society rejects, I hold my neck out for everyone as a test, how much deception can you handle before you plot your own death? My friends, lead me toward dead ends, my family keeps trying to turn me into something I don't want to be, I feel the darkness surrounding me but why can't I see? I'm shameful but why isn't it painful? I live with the damned, the cursed, and the rotting hearse, but why are my dead emotions still able to hurt?

Don't know why I stopped doing these things in a long time but if I stop for more than a week someone please remind me lol.

 

Relationships:

Recently 2 entries I've made here are based on a relationship, when I wrote both of them part of it was to actually make sure I was still able to really express myself but I did have someone in mind which was my ex. Lately I haven't really been having a bad time with relationships but just trying to find a girl that I can love physically and mentally but I think I'm getting pretty close.

 

Music:

Lately I've been "expanding my horizons" with music trying to find a new music artist to listen to each week so far I've been listening to Marilyn Manson, KoRn, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, Evanescence, Paramore, and stuff like that and even though they all may be rock bands I'm willing to listen to just about anything lol if you have any recommendations just tell me.

 

 

Director Progress:

Just mainly been focusing on Project Desolation and Sinnerman but I divided up Project Desolation into different parts:

Project Desolation: End of the Beginning (Main character's rebirth, destruction of a minor lab, gains new ability)

Project Desolation: Beginning of the End (Addition of 2 characters, destruction of a large lab, death of secondary characters)

Project Desolation: Bloodstained Warpath (Main character's human side is silent, new set of secondary characters, main character meets with long lost lover from before the project but she was sent to the same branch as him and turns out to be an angel, main character kills pregnant lover and himself)

Project Desolation: Walking Down Nightmare Lane (Basically a prologue of the main characters life before the project, his life as a hitman)

Project Desolation/1,000,000: Dead... Once Again (Main character of P.D.'s demonic side journeys to complete demon training and instead finds out about Damien's plot to take over the world, defying his fathers orders and decides to escape with the main character from 1,000,000 who is trying to escape on account of the Grim Reaper's plot to kill his friends (the main character of 1,000,000 lives in a different time period than the project), during the escape the main character of P.D. finds a way to become more powerful but may have to sacrifice his human side)

Project Desolation: The Demon Seed (Main character's re-rebirth, added character of the main characters half-demon, half-angel son, discovery of main lab turns out to be under the main characters home, discovery that the projects creators are the main characters parents, discovery that Damien is working for them and in return the parents are bringing his army to earth, discovery that the main character was trained since a child to be their main weapon hence his advanced fighting and shooting skills, main fight between Damien and the main character, final discovery that during the fight the main characters son was setting bombs in the lab, main character sacrifices himself to make sure his parents and Damien don't get out alive, main character from 1,000,000 makes appearence as new Grim Reaper and splits apart the main characters demonic and human side and they part ways, reconstruction of earth begins while the son of the main character becomes its new protector)

If anyone has any suggestions or tips just message me or somethin

 

So other than that I'm sorta spaced out right now (not smokin or drinkin)  so I can't really think of anything else for this time lol so I'll try writing more material, until then it's whateva man.

We've fell into this situation so many times but never this rapidly. We fight and argue until we split apart but one of us always come crawling back. We know we won't ever be together again but we keep pondering, talking about our "What if" futures as if we we're real lovers. We hate, we love, but for some reason something keeps us talking to each other. We've fell into this situation so many times but never this rapidly. This mysterious growth leads me to hug you. A hug leads to a kiss on the cheek. A kiss on the cheek leads me to press my lips against yours, the same lips that have caused destruction to other men that I take responsibility for. The sweet and haunting taste of your tongue reminds me of the pain I've caused you as much as you've caused me. We laugh and giggle as we begin to slowly take each others clothes off. For the first time since our last failed relationship we have felt the passion, the sweet seduction of each other physically and mentally. We know we won't ever be together again, but for this one night we ignore that thought and let the "something feel so good, but be so bad" feeling of lust take over us. We've fell into this situation so many times but never this rapidly. This situation of love and hate spreads us apart but brings us closer. We will fight each other until both of us have broken spines but we manage to survive together as best friends sometimes wishing to be more. We know that we will be together always... and never...

Still I wait, for the pain that has sustained through the years, these fears that have come true, still I wait for these black and gray skies to turn blue, with our story on these walls I keep wondering what to do, do I keep chasing the happy ending or let it die, for months on end I've been trying to stay alive, but these memories just won't let me say goodbye, I'll take responsibility for screwing over our trust, it's my fault that we'll never again be "us", this life, this lust, this love, this hate, it's all fucked, but still I want, but still I ache, but still I wait, day after day, still I wait for you...

When did this start to happen? Why did I smile when my mom told me I was a disgrace? Why do I vision my nightmares for fun? When did this pain start feeling this good? The... darkness has grown out of my own control. The usual methods of telling it to go away and ignoring it never work. Embracing it quickly lead to a surprise mental breakdown, maybe the worst yet. This darkness was nowhere to be found until after the failed engagement but for some reason I feel it's been here before that. This voice was the hate and anger I piled up while with my first love. But it is more... thinking, talking to it, it tells me, "I am more than just your hate and anger.... I am your forgotten desires... I am your pain... I make you want more... I make you want to go six feet deep... I am your memories of broken promises and heartbreaks manifested into... another part of you... your... 'lover' just helped make you listen...." I'm not sure whether I'm going insane or am I just schizophrenic but in this time of crisis the only question I want answered is was this created out of hatred or lonliness?

Just something I came up with for a bit while my new girlfriend was away. 

 

My addiction is my confliction while my reincarnation takes place in a nation not just in an economic but mentally catastrophic depression while teaching and learning life lessons becomes my profession but my addiction leaves me in a state that the public thinks is sickening until I finally find my dream that turns out to be not what it seems, these repeating nightmares leaves me to stare at memories of one thing, my addiction above all: love.

General's log 2: I have been pushed back. There has been a mutiny attack against me as deception and rage planned a surprise attack and pushed me back to the depths of the abandoned 3rd chamber of the heart filled with burnt remenants of memories created by my so called emotions. As I walk a deserted path alone I pass by a few memories mostly charred. One happened to be the memory of me and my first love's first kiss. Though I was definitly in no mood for love or reminiscing I took it with me. Walking the path I started to think, "What if I could end this struggle once and for all?" I suddenly shook my head of certain nonsense thoughts and continued. As more memories pass by I stumble upon a group of strangers looking for a place they can call home but I know by the end of this war there will be nothing left but a capsule of a body once used for good but not to destroy their quest I joined them. These 4 strangers have not told me their name but have provided me with support but I fear that wil be nowhere near enough as we journey back into the warzone now filled with hundreads of thousands of dead soldiers. The war between light and dark have begun where there are no bystanders, either you choose or you die my choice has yet to come...