Muddshuvel's BLOG

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the  rest of me 
life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top  prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He  went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast 
of the night'. She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?  John
said,
'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church  beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!'  Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into
one of John's drinking buddies  on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, 'John won  the prize last nigh t at the pub with a toast
about
you, Mary.' 

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised  myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four  years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by  the ears to make him  come.'

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota . He shot

and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other

side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove

Up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,

and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not

coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the

United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you

and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know

how settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like

this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,

I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three

times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided

that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local

custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and

walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel

toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal

gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third

kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and

very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of

his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have

the duck."

   A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 

'It's not polite.' 

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!' 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license.  It is like a report card, it has everything on it.' 

Later that night t he little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.' 

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.' 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?' 

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 

'Because you got an F in sex.'