SwantonS's BLOG

Words Of Wisdom: Confucius Say:-

• Closed mouth gathers no foot
• Crowded elevator smells different to a midget
• Early bird gets the worm, but second mouse gets the cheese
• It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it in
• Man who eat many prunes, gets good run for his money
• Man who fight with wife all day will get no piece at night
• Man who jizz into cash register, come into money
• Man who fishes in other man's well often find crabs
• Man who run in front of car get tired
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
• Never tell man with chainsaw he has bad breath
• Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly
• Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone
• War doesn't determine who's right, war determine who's left
• Woman who sinks into man's arms, soon have arms in sink
• Eagles may soar, but weasels not get sucked inyo jet engine
• Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
• Man who run behind car get exhausted

Puns:-

• A boat carrying red paint crashed witha boat carrying blue paint. Apparently the crews were marooned.
• A ghost loses the tail of his sheet in a revolving door and goes to an off-licence to get a new one. "Sorry" says the man behind the counter "We don't sell tails and we don't serve ghosts." "Thats not true," says the ghost "The sign outside says you retail spirits."
• Fork to spoon "Who was that ladle i saw you with last night?" Spoon, "There was no ladle, that was my knife."
• Harry sent ten different puns to his friend hoping that atleast one of them would make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
• How do you catch a bra? You set a boobie trap
• How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her
• Why did the Mexican shoot his wife? Tequila
• In which direction do you turn a Georgian desk? Antique-lock wise
• Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and becam a famous actor and the other one stayed behind and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils

Imponderables:-

• No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like
• Can a half-wit work part-time for NASA?
• Do illiterates get the full effect of the Alphabet soup?
• Does killing time damage eternity?
• How can you identify a person using his dental records? if you don't know who the person is, you surely won't know his dentist
• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
• How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• If gravity exists, why is it harder to drop a girl than to pick her up?
• If I save time, when do I get it back?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does it stay on the pan?
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the others have to follow?
• If Polish people are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
• If the number 2 pencils is so popular, why is it still number 2?
• Is french-kissing in France just called kissing?
• Just before someone gets nervous, do they have cocoons in their stomach?
• We know the speed of light, but what's the speed of dark?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out."?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
• What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
• Why are there disabled parking spaces in front of a skating rink?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
• Why do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the table?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time? Do i point to my crotch when i ask people where the bathroom is?
• Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
• Why do they call it 'Alcoholics Anonymous' when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "I'm Bob and I'm an alcoholic"?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid has real lemons?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• How come a pizza can get faster to your house than an ambulance?
• If quizzes are quizzical, then what are tests?
• Why do toasters have settings to burn toast to a horrible crisp?
• How come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
• Why do you need a driving license to purchase alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
• Why is it called 'lipstick' when you can still move your lips?
• Why is there light in the fridge but not in the freezer?