10 pints of Guinness
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
The collision
One night on the small, dark Irish country roads an Englishman and an Irishman were driving recklessly and collided, demolishing both of their cars. Amazingly, the two men emerged from the wreck unscathed. Astonished by their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of each other from that moment forward.
The Irishman at this point fetches a bottle of 12-year-old Jameson from his car and hands it to the Englishman who gratefully accepts it, removes the top and hefting the bottle in a toast, cries,
“May the English and the Irish live forever in peace and harmony!” Still shaky from the wreck, the Englishman takes several hearty swallows, draining a good half of the bottle before handing it back to Paddy.
“Eh, no thanks,” says the Irishman, “I think I’ll just wait for the Garda to get here.”
Fidelity
There was three lads - a lad from England, and lad from Scotland and a lad from Ireland. They got to talking amongst themselves and determined that their wives were cheating on them.
So they got to decided to go away and look for a bit of evidence and they’d come back three weeks later and meet in the very same place, which they did. Sitting around back at the same corner of the counter the Paddy Scotsman was the first to speak up,
“How did you get on?” says the other two boys.
“Not too good,” says he, “my wife is going with a carpenter.”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
He says, “I found a carpenter’s toolbox under the bed.”
The Paddy englishman spoke up next.
“My wife is going with a butcher.”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
He says, “I found a butcher’s apron under the bed.”
And they turned to the Paddy Irishman and asked
“How did you get on?”
The Paddy Irishman says, “You think ye’re bad - my wife is going with a horse!”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
Says he, “Didn’t I find a jockey under the bed!”
God’s Hotline
On vacation in Europe, Bob noticed a marble column in a church in Rome with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, Bob asked who the telephone was for. The priest told him it was a direct line to Heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. Bob was amazed, but declined the offer.
Throughout Europe Bob kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: a direct line to Heaven and he could call for a thousand dollars.
Bob finished his tour of Europe with a stop in Ireland . He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door he noticed the golden telephone, but underneath it there was a sign stating: “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN — 25 CENTS”
“Father,” he said, “I have been all over Europe and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one but the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”
The priest smiled and said,
“Son, you’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”
Three brothers
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
The Song:
Three Young Ladies Drinking Whiskey Before Breakfast
