Are you tired of all the advice on "How You Can Be Smarter than Your Neighbor?" Do you regard Homer Simpson as your role model - or soul mate? Do you want to prove that evolution can be reversed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, let us help you minimize the number of neurons and synapses in your brain, probably even shrink your brain in a physical, literal, way. Here are 8 proven tips on How to "shrink" your brain:
1. Invest in your couch and your TV set. The more expensive the better, so that you feel compelled to use them many hours a day. They will be your lifelong loyal companions, and enable you to practice many of these tips in world-class style, away from more mentally stimulating habits that may accidentally exercise your brain.
2. Avoid positive thoughts like the pest. Make sure your thoughts are all negative and stressful. If positive ones arise, use sarcasm to go back to a negative state. Stress and anxiety, no matter whether induced by external events or our own thoughts, do wonders to kill neurons and prevent the creation of new ones. Practice.
3. Make a solemn commitment to never learn anything new. Declare a personal "War on Novelty" and mental challenge - they can both be hazardous for you. Repeating spiritual mantras like "I'm bad at math", "I will never be able to do Sudoku", "I hate change" will serve you well as preemptive attacks on any attempt to improve. Everyone knows the brain goes downhill from then on - so just enjoy the ride!
4. Don't ever travel. Especially to places full of snakes and strange diseases. Traveling to new locations forces you to pay more attention to your environment, make new decisions, and use your brain to make decisions. Resist the temptation. (For the only exception to this rule, see Tip 5).
5. Find someone to outsource your brain to. Ideally someone in a position of authority. It can be a media personality-the louder he or she shouts, the better- or a dictator. If needed, move to a country with the dictator of your choice.
6. Walking is for apes, driving is for humans. Drive everywhere, including to the fridge to get that beer: buy a Golf cart to use indoors. If you wonder why this is important, remember that the brain is part of the body and things that exercise your body can also help sharpen your brain. Beware.
7. Eat fatty food. Enjoy McDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Did you know that the brain only weights 2% of body mass but consumes over 20% of oxygen and nutrients we intake? Make sure you stuff your brain with saturated fat. Once you can no longer follow the plot of a TV infomercial, shout, "Success!".
8. Make a point of having zero friends in all BitComet, Facebook, MySpace and LinkedIn. Good conversations are simply too stimulating. If someone wants to connect with you, ignore them.
GOOD LUCK!
